'The Bachelor': Crazy Eyes Ashley H. and Black Eye Michelle

crazy-eyes-ashley-h-bachelor.jpgOn the latest "Bachelor" episode, Michelle has a black eye (ha!) and Ashley H. reveals herself to be Crazy Eyes. We had started wondering which one it would be this season, so it's nice to know. But let's get to the recap ...

Michelle wakes up with a black eye. Um, what? I don't condone violence most of the time, but if one of those other girls punched her, I'm totally on board. Michelle's a psychopath.

Chantal's date

Chantal is the girl with the first one-on-one date. Ya know, I think Chantal is really pretty, but sometimes she has on way too much makeup. It detracts from her beauty, honestly. Chantal and Brad take off in a helicopter while Michelle and her 30th-birthday-miss-my-kid-black-eye fume.

They fly to a marina and Brad talking-heads that he's been waiting to take Chantal on a date "for so long." Um, in "Bachelor" time it's been like 8 days, dude. Maybe it's like when you go to camp and it seems like you are there for so much longer than you actually are.

To Chantal's credit, before they go diving, she warns him about the mascara that is about to run in a deluge down her face. That's what I'm talking about with the makeup, lady. But the rouge is really my biggest issue.

So they go diving in the weird suits with astronaut heads with a hose attached to the boat. I think that would freak me out. I wouldn't like the enclosed helmet and I don't like the ocean that much. Props to Chantal for being brave.

After diving, they have a picnic on the beach. He asks about her first marriage and she tells him about it and that it's about finding the right person. They share that they both want to have a family and are falling for each other. Smooches ensue.

Chantal then apologizes for slapping Brad at the initial meeting. I had forgotten that was her. Heh. He likes how she keeps him in check and he gives her the rose for that date as the thunder and rain starts, it's very romantic. More smooches.

Meanwhile, Michelle is crying at the house over ... who the hell knows, really. She's a nutjob. She thinks Chantal is loud and hard, while the rest of us think Chantal is pretty great and Michelle is a self-centered drama queen.

Group Date

Ashley S., Stacey, Lindsay, Britt, Meghan, Alli, Lisa, Ashley H. and Jackie get the call, which is to be on Dr. Drew's "Loveline." Awesome. I love Dr. Drew. LOVE. He's smart and relatable and totally cute.

Before going on the show, the girls are kept in a sound-proof area and appear to be given beer, so that's excellent. Most of those girls weigh so little, one beer oughta do the trick to loosen those lips.

So the girls go on the show and Brad is taking it very seriously. Cheating is the first topic that comes up and Stacey is the only one who admits to cheating. I'm not saying the other ones have, but I'm surprised it's only one out of nine.

Britt really lays it all out there about how she likes him and gets nervous around him and she's worried because she hasn't hardly had any time alone with him. He tells her to hang on because he'll take the time. Brad says this was a great date idea and I agree. Very revealing and serious and fun. 

After the radio show, they have drinks and hot tub time. Ashley H. is having a really hard time with people monopolizing Brad's time, as he goes off with Stacey, then Alli, then Ashley S., who totally snakes Brad from Alli. Ashley S. and her baby voice need to go away. She's like a little girl, it's gross.

Then Jackie comes over, while Ashley H. loses her mind in the hot tub about not getting time. Ashley H. says it's getting intense, as her five-head wrinkles in alarm. She then has some more wine and gets a little nuttier still. Oh, this is going to go off in a merlot-fueled volcano of tears and yelling. Can't wait.

Britt takes some one-on-one time and lays into Brad with some pretty woo-woo kissing. That'll make your presence known, dayum girl! But then the angry violin strings of drama kick up as Ashley H. storms out of the hot tub and wanders off to interrupt him with Britt. Brad hustles to cover up his stiffy as Ashley appears out of the shadows.

Ashley then gets her drunk crazy all over Brad, telling him she's taking a step back because he's busy kissing other girls and making other connections. Ugh, it's so needy and gross. Pull your stuff together, woman! After Ashley H.'s alone time, Brad gives Britt the rose. Awesome. She's way more deserving than Ashley H.

Meanwhile, gross Michelle gets her date card and Chantal totally messes with her by pointing out that her date card doesn't use the word "love" and all the other cards have done that. Hee. Chantal wins everything tonight.

Michelle's Day


Did you hear? It's Michelle's day. "My black eye is not going to stand in the way of me having a great date," says Michelle. She should write country songs. But Brad takes Ashley H. aside before the date and Michelle tries to set them on fire using only the power of her stare, but it does not work. They talk about Ashley H. not giving up, it's stupid. She's being crazypants and he should not have to talk her down.

Meanwhile, Michelle is having a fit about "her day" and Chantal calls her out about leaving the first group date and taking Brad away from the group date.  Michelle calls that a "moral issue," which ... what?! She left because nobody was paying attention to her on her friggin' birthday! She's a lunatic.

So -- if Michelle is really like this, yikes. If she's just acting like this to get famous, I don't understand what will possibly come of it. A spot on next summer's "Bachelor Pad" is probably in the works.

Michelle is still harping on how it's her day. Just push her off a cliff, Brad. C'mon. Nobody will blame you and/or tell. They take off in a helicopter to a downtown skyscraper for some rappelling down to the pool for dinner. She acts all scared so that he'll hug her, but I don't buy it. She's the drama queen who cried wolf.

They rappel and it's a "bonding experience" and UGH. It's the Bizarro World version of Ali and Roberto doing that same date, except in that case we were all charmed and in this case, we were hoping one of the ropes would snap (not really, don't email me). And then right before commercial, they are kissing and Michelle sinks into the water and something that is not family-friendly is implied. We are not overly shocked.

They eat dinner and she talks about how she feels she is meant to be there. He calls her a "mature woman" and I hope she secretly thinks that's a crack about her age. They talk about her daughter Brielle, which is a beautiful name. But Michelle ruins the nice moment by telling Brad that none of the other girls are for him.

He gives her a rose, calling her an "incredible woman." Ughhhh. I'm so manipulated by this show and I'm aware of the manipulation, but still. She stinks! Ditch her! Ugh.

Therapy

It's good the therapist sounds vaguely British, it makes this sound more smarter (Drop Dead Gorgeous'd). That's enough of that.

Cocktail Party


Brad takes time with each girl who didn't get a date that week. Aw, that's nice of him. Shawntel is still looking super pretty, we dig her green dress and girl-next-door look. Team Shawntel!

He then takes Emily aside with a basket of pillows and wine. The other girls are very discouraged because that's not normal alone time. Huh. I would have to agree.

Brad's goal is to recreate the vineyard date because "she deserves so much more than just a one-on-one conversation at a cocktail party." Wow. I mean, Emily is great but way to get some Emily backlash. This is rubbing me the wrong way just due to the spirit of fair play -- the other girls don't get this! Seriously, he might as well just give out one rose tonight! I'm with Chantal -- boo, this stinks.

Chantal is taking it really hard and takes Brad off to talk about the emotionally needy girls and how scared she is. She doesn't bring up Emily, which I think is a bit of a cop-off. Be strong and forthcoming! Tell him how much that upset you!

Either way, I have really come around on Chantal. I'm Team Shanteals. I like Chantal and Shawntel, I hope they are the final two, though I probably couldn't take one of them getting crushed.

Rose Ceremony

Michelle, Chantal
and Britt already have roses. The other girls to get roses are Ashley S., Alli, Emily, Shawntel, Lisa, Jackie, Marissa and Ashley H. That means Meghan, Lindsay and Stacey are going home. Bummer about Lindsay, we really liked her. She seemed cool and what a looker. She's so gracious in her exit interview, talking about her dad being proud of her -- geez, I want to date her now! Come be my friend, Lindsay!

Next week
: Vegas. Excellent.    

Photo/Video credit: ABC