'The Bachelor': Ding dong, the psycho's gone

tierra-goes-home-bachelor.jpgThe "Bachelor" commercials make it look as though Tierra completely loses her mind this week. So that's fun. But hilariously, the ABC intro says to start Valentine's week with a "Bachelor" that will stop our hearts. Somehow we don't think that will be the response.

St. Croix


Sean "Rule-Breaker" Lowe is at it again, flying to St. Croix with the women instead of traveling separately. Or the show's budget keeps getting squeezed and that little sea plane is the only way to get them all to the island. Next season, it'll be the Bachelor and six women on a raft with paddles. "Survivor," watch your back.

The hotel the women are at is gorgeous. I'm not really one for tropical vacations -- I'm one of those lame-os who'd rather be in rainy London going to theatrical productions and museums -- but that place looks amazing.

Tierra continues on her downward spiral into Crazytown by pulling a cot out of a closet and into the living room area because she won't share a room with someone she doesn't care for. She's just NOT friends with girls who like her boyfriend, y'all. She's just not.

Orrrr -- she's a whirling dervish attention whore who must create drama where there is none in order to feel good about herself.

AshLee's Date


As the date card is read, Tierra tries to light AshLee on fire using just the power of her stare. When she is unsuccessful, she calls AshLee a cougar instead. Because AshLee is 32, you see. One foot in the grave. Tierra finds it in poor taste that AshLee isn't a grandmother by now. And we've all seen what a shining example of a person Tierra is at the ripe old age of 24.

Anyway. Sean takes AshLee on a catamaran to an island, while she voiceovers about her abandonment issues and being in love with Sean. Hmm.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the four girls minus Tierra talk about how they hope AshLee tells Sean waht Tierra is really like. Well, of course you all do. So that Tierra gets ratted out, AshLee incurs any backlash from Sean and you all get what you wanted without getting your hands dirty.

As of on cue, Sean asks AshLee if the drama has subsided and she lays it all out there about Tierra isolating herself from them and being one way with him and another way with the women. Sean says he's grateful that she told him, but it remains to be seen if AshLee's so glad she told him.

Then they get their "From Here to Eternity" on and AshLee voiceovers about dreaming of him lying next to her and their perfect life together and all the different levels they connect on and it's like -- slow your roll, lady. You sound slightly insane.

At dinner, AshLee has one last bombshell to drop. This has been hyped up like she's going to tell him she has four kids or something, but it turns out to just be that she stupidly got married when she was 17 as a way of acting out.

She talks about not wanting to be this broken girl, but that's absurd. She did a crazy, impetuous thing and she is obviously embarrassed and knows what a mistake it was (and she obviously knew at the time, since it didn't last). It's weird that she thought this would be a dealbreaker. If he actually feels for her, a real marriage with like two kids would not be a dealbreaker. Silly.

And then she tells him she loves him, which -- wow. OK. I don't judge, I said "I love you" to my husband very early. But he wasn't dating five other girls at the time.


Tierra's Date

Tierra's date card implies they're going into town and she immediately starts complaining about the bugs and being sweaty and her makeup. She had envisioned (in her tiny, delusional little mind) that they'd have a great boating adventure, because she loves boating, you see. You might even call her a boating enthusiast.

You know what else she's an enthusiast of? Whining. Shut your pie hole, Tierra, and just be excited you got a one-on-one date. Naturally, this whining does not go unnoticed by the other women.

When the date starts, they walk the streets and Tierra whines (drink!) about being hot and sweaty and thirsty. It's so hard being Tierra, guys. Though honestly, it must be exhausting being so unhappy all the time.

They go shopping at some street vendors and from the way Tierra talks, you'd think she and Sean were getting matching tattoos or something. She is reading a lot into him buying them matching fugly shell necklaces and an infinity bracelet.

Then they run into a parade, but since there are only like nine people watching and only about twice that many people in said parade, we imagine the ABC production team is around the corner putting these hired extras into costumes and sending them into the street. Either that, or this is an authentic town celebration and Sean and Tierra are being very rude by hijacking it and dancing through the middle of the paraders.

Back at the ranch, AshLee tells the girls what she said to Sean. They're crossing their fingers that he figures out what is going on with Tierra.

Meanwhile, Sean sits Tierra down and asks about the drama and the women. She says no matter how hard she tries, the girls don't accept her and they've just been mad since she got the first rose. She "suspects" (coughproductioncough) that someone threw her under the bus to Sean.

At dinner, Tierra tells him she felt "there was a little distant" from Sean and she doesn't know "what it was caused from." Sean manages to suss out what Tierra means and says the drama in the house may have put her a little bit behind the other women. At this, Tierra's smile becomes a bit fixed.

After dinner, she decides to tell him she cares for him a lot and hopes that their journey continues. She then whispers that she's falling in love with him. Like this dim bulb teenager even knows what love is.


Group Date

Catherine, Desiree and Lindsay get the group date, which starts with Sean waking up the women before dawn to go watch the sunrise. Sean "knows" women hate being seen without makeup, but he is "pleasantly surprised" at how good they all look. That's big of him.

Catherine, our new favorite, says she's low maintenance -- just needs to pee and she's good. Heh. We knew we liked her for a reason.

The sunrise is fine, then it's off to some old building (a sugar mill?) and everybody just stands around for a minute. Love the animated map graphic. For a second we thought we were watching "The Amazing Race," especially with them putting the time on the screen.

Donkey. Cafe. Treehouse. Not much happening so far. Though Desiree and Sean definitely have a more real connection than him and the other girls. For Catherine, it's probably because they haven't had as much time alone. For Lindsay, it's 'cause all they do is make out.

At the beach, they go swimming and picnic and watch the sun set. The rose is conspicuously sitting with the picnic fare. Each girl gets some one-on-one time and Lindsay definitely sticks out as the one he doesn't have as much of a connection with. Sean says he has really strong feelings for her, but it seems more like he has really strong feelings for her uvula.

Catherine uses her time to tell Sean about her father, who lives in China and who tried to kill himself in front her and her sisters when she was a teen. Wow, that's ... big time. You can tell Catherine is really fighting to be so matter-of-fact about it. Awww, poor girl.

Desiree cries to Sean when talking about her family, just because they mean so much to her. Sean is definitely smitten with her and that just adds to it.

The rose goes to Lindsay, in a bit of a shocker. Wow. Do I just not see it with them? Am I missing something? This means that at least one out of Desiree, Catherine, AshLee and Lesley are not getting a hometown and that really surprises me. Those are the four I was really rooting for.


Lesley's Date

Sean says he needs to talk to Lesley, which makes sense since they mostly just smooched on their last date. Also, Lesley says she's "known Sean for awhile now." Um, that's not true. It's been like a month.

When they picnic, Lesley says they could be best friends but also have that mad, crazy, raw passion ... then they go pick some fruit. There is some real sparkage lacking between these two and Sean feels that.

Kitty.

Lesley tries again to talk about their relationship, but it still just seems very awkward. So she smooches him. Hmm. So, are Tierra and Lesley heading home? (Tierra just 'cause we hope so and Lesley 'cause this does not look good for her.)

I Need to Talk to Chris Harrison My Sister

Sean's sister Shay is there to lend an ear and provide advice. She asks if there's one in particular he could see himself proposing to and he says he could see himself married to all of them, but none of them stand out. Hmm. That's a little weird. You'd think one or two as a WIFE would have floated to the top.

Shay is also worried that he not pick "that girl" and good for her for knowing how this show works and knowing that there's probably one of them who is bad news bears and he just can't see it. Which delightfully leads into ...

The Blowout

Back during the group date, Tierra overheard AshLee saying she (Tierra) doesn't have the guts to confront AshLee. So now Tierra decides it's drama time. She asks if AshLee wants to say anything to her and then blames AshLee for Sean's distance on her date.

Tierra then says the girls, specifically AshLee, are sabotaging her with Sean. Tierra then insists she's a "24-year-old woman" who isn't going to sit around with the other women and "talk high school stuff."

See, therein lies the rub. AshLee means that Tierra doesn't even have basic manners or common courtesy, let alone trying to befriend any of them. While Tierra immediately jumps to the fact that the girls are always talking about her. Well, they wouldn't always be talking about you if you were isolating yourself and being rude.

Also, "I'm a 24-year-old woman" must be the female equivalent to "I'm a grown-a** man." And double also, we've seen no such evidence that Tierra is a woman and not a teenage girl.

AshLee loses me a bit when she deigns to bestow a "peace offering" on Tierra, which she says is the best she'll offer her and Tierra probably won't take it. Look, don't stoop to her level, AshLee. Don't be a snot. It just makes you look as petty as Tierra.

And then Tierra pulls that classic "women are jealous of me, men love me" crap that is indicative that there's something wrong with her. It's fine if men like you, but if you don't really have any female friends, it's not because they're jealous. That's what you've deluded yourself into thinking. It really means you are the jealous, petty, spiteful, drama queen one who other women can't stand to be around.

Hilariously, we cut back to Shay reminding Sean that her once piece of advice was "don't end up with the girl no one likes." Shay for next Bachelorette! Oh wait, she's taken. Shay for Bachelor advisor!

Back at the ranch, Tierra stomps off and AshLee goes to talk to Catherine and Lesley, then Tierra comes back and ..... I don't even know. It devolves into Tierra insisting she doesn't have control over her own facial movements and talking about her "sparkle." Her parents had to tell her not to let the other girls take her "sparkle" away. Um, red flag. Tierra has no friends except her dog and her parents and a string of ex-boyfriends who think she's cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Now Sean says he's going to grab Tierra so Tierra can meet Shay. He is walking back to the ranch while Tierra yells at AshLee, but he does not appear to arrive in time to overhear any of the fighting, which is a darn shame. Instead, he arrives to hear Tierra's fake-y sobs as she cries on her cot.

She whines, "Why is this happening?" and she tries so hard to work herself up enough to eek out a few tears, talking about her big heart and how she's so scared and blah blah blah. Then she says AshLee is out to get her, acting like this is some kind of on-going feud or something. And she "hates being like this" with Sean, when in fact she loves it because it gets her the attention she so desperately needs.

As Sean contemplates what to do, Tierra tries SO hard to make herself cry.

Back from commercial, Sean says he wants to introduce Tierra to his sister and she acts like she's dissolving into tears. Oh, good grief. Sean, you such a chump. This is gross.

BUT WAIT! Sean then says that this is so emotionally taxing on Tierra that she maybe should go home now. Well, thank goodness she is gone.

However, they walk off and she says she's not going to be OK, so he just keeps quiet and walks. Sean says it finally just clicked that she's not the one for him. Hmph. It sounds more like he always knew she wasn't the one but kept her around because of the drama factor. If he really liked her, this would not be so anticlimactic.

In the mini-van (no limo for Tierra, snerk), Tierra covers her face as she wails, "I can't believe they did this to me. I just wanna go home. I hope the girls got what they wanted." Something tell us they did.

Tierra says nobody will take her sparkle away. OK, tiny one.

Cocktail Party

That night, the girls are very confused because Tierra has been gone for hours and they don't know what happened. Sean shows up and explains he had some clarity about Tierra and sent her home. The other women's glee is barely disguised.

He then says he's not looking for someone who causes drama and looks right at AshLee. Dun dun dun. And then he says no party, they're just going to have the rose ceremony. Ruh roh.

Rose Ceremony


So is it Lesley, AshLee or Catherine going home? It's being edited to look like Catherine and AshLee are in trouble, but we think Lesley is heading home.

The roses go to Lindsay (already had), Desiree (no surprise there), Catherine (so what was that talking-head where she cries about what he's looking for?) and ... AshLee. Yep. Sorry, Lesley. You seem cool.

Meanwhile, hyperbolic AshLee says this rose means he's her husband and that love conquers all. Good grief, you're as bad as Tierra.

Speaking of crazy, now we get that Catherine talking-head. Apparently, she thought Lesley had more in common with him than she does and her beliefs are shattered about what he's looking for. Um, what? Did everybody eat some Emotional Crazy Flakes this morning?

Next week: Lindsay's dad is a general, so that's intimidating. And Catherine's equally-beautiful sisters are hesitant. Finally, Desiree's brother is giving Sean a hard time ... and it gets physical? Oh, that's excellent.

Sean's dad's Jammy Cocoa Christmas sounds awesome. Hooray for Sean's dad.
Photo/Video credit: ABC