'The Bachelor': Get along, little doggie

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nicki-ben-bachelor.jpgIt's weird how in the "Bachelor" preview montage, they don't show that it's Kacie B. coming back - they released that clip last week. Sorry if I spoiled it for you, gang!

Ben's Deep Thoughts

We kick things off with Ben staring contemplatively out the plane window as he flies to Switzerland and reminisces about the three ladies still left. I love how one of the best things about Nicki is that she just rolled with it when it rained on her date. Just once, I'd like to see a girl throw a complete hissy fit when it starts raining. That would be amazing.

Lindzi's montage starts off with Ben saying, "Lindzi's a little bit country" and I'm so disappointed he did not follow up with "and a little bit rock 'n' roll."

Courtney's montage is a lot of her being gross and fake. I am Jack's total lack of surprise.

Switzerland! Carriages! Swiss-y music! Swans! (No, swans are MEAN. They hiss and chase you when you're trying to feed the ducks.)

Nicki's Date


Helicopter! SQUEEE! The ride is over some amazing scenery, but it's hilarious how Nicki calls it "majestic" just as they are flying over, like, apartment buildings. *snicker*

"My relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights, but at the same time, it's grounded." - everybody DRINK!

They picnic on a mountain top, which, OK - I'm pretty jealous. How they both refrain from spinning around and singing, "The HILLLLLLS are aliiiiiive" is beyond me. Maria Von Trapp FTW.

"Standing on top of this mountain, the view goes on forever, which can be compared to our future together. Yet there's always the cliff there that you can fall off of, which can be compared to our relationship. Probably ending. Abruptly." - Oh my god. The use of "can be compared to" .... that's two drinks, y'all. Also, I would reverse those metaphors. Their future together is like falling off a cliff, escaping means your future goes on forever.

That night, Nicki is taken to "literally" a log cabin. At least she used that word correctly, I guess. And she jumps right into asking how many kids he wants. He shows admirable restraint in not saying, "I think Courtney and I want four."

Nicki literally thinks about kids a lot, y'all. Literally. Then the nookie card arrives and they choose to stay in the fantasy suite, which is a beautiful room in a Swiss chalet with an awesome jacuzzi. Super jealous of that.

Before nookie time, they talk about their dads. Nicki is very touched that Ben said her dad reminds him of his dad. That is a very nice thing to say. But screw that, it's hot tub time! Let's get soapy and make out!


Lindzi's Date

They are rappelling down a cliff, so there's lots of "oh my dads" and nervousness. Blah blah blah. They do these things all the time and they're harnessed in six ways from Sunday. And then when it starts, they aren't even rappelling! I've rappelled - you bounce down the wall/mountain while you control your own rope. These guys are being lowered by a team of men! They aren't controlling anything! And the "oh my dad" thing needs to stop - it's creepy and weird.

On the ground, they congratulate each other like they actually did something other than just sit there. That is seriously the most ridiculous "extreme" date we've ever seen on this show.

Hot tub time. A hot tub on a farm or something.

That night, Orville Reddenbacher kidnaps Lindzi for dinner. Oh wait, that's Ben! Orville would be better. He'd have popcorn and probably crazy stories. You know Orville got down.

Anyway. Lindzi (who looks tonight like she left her brush in Belize) talks about being vulnerable and Ben says he's loved watching her "open up." Oh, that comes later, Ben.

Sorry.

The nookie card arrives and Lindzi makes it a point to tell us all she doesn't normally go for the nookie card, but she's making an exception in this case. Uh huh.

Their fantasy suite is not nearly as cool as Nicki's was. But they get much better music - very Disney princess music. The music swells, some other stuff swells ... they head to bed.


Courtney's Date

They're going on a "very Swiss date," so ... cheese, watches, being neutral. You know, Swiss. Does Courtney say "it's really madrigal?" Like a 16th century six-part musical ensemble? I swear, that's what she said instead of "magical." Is that her trying (and failing) to sound smart?

Cheese. Nailed it. Then they bop down the street like weirdos and say hi to some goats. She talking-heads about how she feels bad for the way she's acted and hopes Ben thinks she's a good person. Uh, if you were a good person, you wouldn't have behaved that way in the first place.

Ben tells her how to play "Hey Cow" and as an Iowan, I can say that's a real thing. I've played it. But you do it from a passing car and get a point for every cow that looks. Duh, Ben.

Courtney cries about hurting Ben and her dark passenger cloud something or other. Shut up, Courtney.

This drivel continues into the nighttime portion of the date at a cool wine cellar thing. It's stupid, you guys. She's totally going to win, Ben clearly doesn't care about any of this stuff.

Ben actually says, "It's a weight off my shoulders hearing Courtney apologize for the way that she's handled herself towards these other women." Um, how about she apologize to the OTHER WOMEN she was a witch to? Giving an apology to someone you didn't even wrong about a third party who is not there is an empty apology.

Nookie card. Their suite is probably the sweetest yet. Really gorgeous. So they commence with the smooching, in a hot tub that is the size of a barrel.

Wondering where my recap is of the Emily sneak peek? It's in its own post.


Kacie's Visit

Ben continues to act like all is well now that Courtney has told HIM she's sorry about the way she behaves pretty much always. But hopefully Kacie is here to set him straight. She calls herself a hot mess, which is not an understatement. But I love her and want to hug her anyway.

She says she's there because she wants answers about her broken heart. Oh, sweetie. He says they are world apart, in where they come from, which really means, "Your crazy-conservative family scared the pants off me." He probably also worried that she wouldn't accept the nookie card.

Ben says he didn't want to drag it out if he didn't see her being at the end, which is admirable. But I really think this had more to do with her family than Kacie and she tries to explain that.

Kacie then says she doesn't want to see him get his heart broken and tells him that Courtney is going to break his heart. She says Courtney is in it to win it, not fall in love, citing the "other fish in the sea" comment from Courtney, which obviously Ben is not wild about.

That's a tactic I'm shocked girls didn't take earlier. If you can quote her, what's she going to say? It's on camera.


I Need to Talk to Chris Harrison

Man, 'sup. Man, I don't know about this Courtney girl, buddy. Kacie was here, man. She said some things about Courtney, buddy. Second guessing, dude. Confused, man. Cloudy, brah. When we're back from commercial, Ben says, "After talking to Chris, I'm still really confused." Well, that is not the point of I Want to Talk to Chris Harrison.


Rose Ceremony

Nicki is wearing a Greek goddess-y dress that is doing her figure no favors. She's obviously not a heavy girl, but that is not flattering. I'm predicting she goes home. Anyway, the roses go to Lindzi and ... Courtney. Shocking.

In the limo, Nicki cries about feeling like a fool for falling so hard and so fast. Hey, in this knd of intense situation, you probably can't help it. But it's not "love" and you'll realize that soon, sweetie.

Next week: The Women Tell All. Then in two weeks - THE. MOST. CONTROVERSIAL. BACHELOR. FINALE. EVERRRRR. We're putting our money on Courtney unhinges her jaw and swallows Lindzi whole, taking Ben for herself.

Photo/Video credit: Getty Images