'The Bachelor': I KNEW there was a crazy left

Naomi_thebachelor_s13_240 Previously on The Bachelor... Stephanie went out like a real class act. Many commenters mentioned her as the next Bachelorette. I would totally watch that. I liked Stephanie, plus as a 34 year-old single mom she would have a different-than-normal group of Bachelors. Cool beans. Make it happen, ABC.

Tonight we visit the hometowns. Woot woot. My prediction is that Naomi gets the boot tonight. She's the only one I'm still iffy on.

Kelowna, BC, Canada with Jillian
Turns out Kelowna is not exactly where she grew up, but it's where she visited her grandparents all throughout childhood and adolescence and then her parents moved there after she grew up. She first regales Jason with tales of Ogo Bogo, the "loch ness monster" of Lake Okanagan. Awesome.

They head to a winery set inside a dormant volcano. Wow. I love the first two aspects of this place. When can I move to Kelowna? When they settle down for some wine and chit-chat, she talks about her parents and her mom's battle with depression and suicide attempts. The plinky-plunky strains of sadness play in the background. The music is like shopping in Von Maur. It's a sad story, don't get me wrong, and I really feel for Jillian, but this music is killing me. The story has a happy ending, though, because Jillian's mom seems to be better and Jillian's dad stuck by her through it all. Good for them.

When they get to Jillian's house, her father wraps Jason in a Canadian flag. Heh heh. Then over dinner her mom Peggy reads them a poem, which is half sweet and half creepy. Peggy takes Jason out on the porch for a grilling session. She makes a crack about how it's good to have a guy in the family with a BA in Psychology. Jason (and I) are like, "Hahaha... what?" He then says that Jillian has layers and in my head I start hearing "Like a parfait... like an onion" and I giggle.

Later, Granny Marjorie shows up and Jillian goes bonkers. Granny makes a crack about how she was previously planning on taking Jillian up to northern Alberta and marrying her off to a Ukrainian (Yukrainian maybe? like the Yukon territories? Canadian ways are strange and foreign to me) and I immediately love grandma. They call it a night and Jason talking-heads about how high the bar is set after Jillian's family.

Grand Rapids, MI with Molly
Jason arrives at Molly's country club for a round of golf. I spent a summer in Grand Rapids working at a law firm and I'm pretty sure we played at that course for a firm golf outing. It's so weird to see some place that you've actually been on a reality TV show. Anyway, Molly expresses her feelings that she won't date a guy her parents don't love. No pressure, though.

This is a fun, cute date but I don't really see sparkage with these two. They settle in for a chat before meeting the parents and she fills him in on how important it is that her parents like her man and that she doesn't bring guys home often. They head for her parents' house, as some Nazis-open-the-ark-of-the-covenant music plays. It's very dramatic.

Her parents aren't super-warm initially, but then her mom busts out their Village People attire. Mom is a cowboy, Jason is an Indian Chief, Molly is a Viking, and Dad is... a beer? Then sister Katie is a cow and brother-in-law (?) is a jester. Hahaha.

Jason is taken downstairs by Mom and is asked to draw a picture of his favorite moment of Molly's face, which is kind of weird. Upstairs, her dad makes her promise that if she doesn't make it all the way and she gets in that limo... no crying. There's no crying! There's no crying on The Bachelor! Dad, piece of advice: I'd be more concerned about her getting in the limo and dropping F-bombs, if the past eliminated contestants are any indication. Sheesh.

Downstairs, Jason has created a pretty decent caricature of Molly. Well, he can always fall back on a job at a theme park. Mom shows Molly Jason's drawing and they decide it's refrigerator-worthy. Jason says goodnight. It looks like he's 2-for-2 so far.

Lake Elsinore, CA with Naomi
Monochromatic Naomi (isn't that a great phrase? If I start an all-girl "Heart" cover band, I'm naming it "Monochromatic Naomi") meets Jason at a gazebo and she is dressed as a cowgirl. The brown leather is not helping the monochromatic eyes/lips/skin/hair, sweet pea. They drink mimosas and she reaffirms that she wants to commit to him. Naomi then talking-heads about being nervous about her family.

At the house, Jason meets Mom, Dad, sister Davina,  brother Josiah, nieces, nephews and a half-sister. Naomi is concerned about her divorced parents getting along in front of Jason. Her mom immediately eases the tension by breaking out the hula hoops. Also, Naomi's mom is freaking hot. She's a total cougar or MILF or whatever the appropriate term is. If I were Jason, I'd be chatting up her. Of course, I type that just as Mom regales us with a story of hitting a dove named Rosie and putting it in a bag in the fridge. ....wow. Jason then has to attend a Dove Funeral. And no Pam there to make it a coffin out of a Kleenex box. Bummer.

It's really kinda weird, but maybe endearing? I'm not sure yet. Jason then goes off with Naomi's dad Hector. He tells Jason that he and Joanne (Naomi's mom) have weathered their divorce through "the Lord." Jason's smile visibly fades a little, it's pretty funny. Awesomely, Hector is talking about how Jesus is "the way, the truth and the life" and it is intercut with shots of Jason , where I can't help but notice that the basement decorations appears to be slot machines. That is just too perfect.

Joanne comes to rescue Jason from the nutjob steal Jason away for her chat time and he talking-heads, "Today I learned that Hector loves Jesus." I actually laugh so hard I choke on my soup and get a little of it on my laptop. Good delivery and timing there, Jason.

However, I think we may now have the most perfect example EVER of "out of the frying pan, into the fire," because Jason leaves the Jesus Jam and heads right into the Hippie Homily, as Joanne starts talking about "indigo kids," "truth-seekers" and "soul families." Jason, like myself, can see the tweety birds twittering around her head.

I'm all for different religions, guys, don't get me wrong. But laying this on a dude the first time he meets you? Are you insane?

OH MY GOD. So many thoughts! First off, no wonder Naomi is so weird. Secondly, how on EARTH did Hector and Joanne get together? They were married for at LEAST 11 years! When did the Jesus vs Indigo Children conversation come up?

Jason says goodnight and Naomi says she is absolutely falling in love with Jason. I still think she's getting the boot tonight.

Dallas, TX with Melissa
Jason meets Melissa on a picnic. She has made him a box for Ty where he can put his money that he gets from the tooth fairy because Ty's favorite book right now is about the tooth fairy. Smooth, Melissa. Smooth. Well-played.

She then tells Jason that he is meeting her friends, not her parents or her brother, because her family isn't comfortable with being on camera. She is obviously upset about it, but she holds it together really well. That really sucks. I get why they wouldn't want to, but it still stinks for Melissa.

Jason meets friend Stephanie and husband Joe, friend Morgan and husband Jason, and their two little girls Corinne and Leah. Melissa describes Stephanie as one of her "longest" friends, which makes me snicker. I was really hoping Stephanie would be, like, a normal-sized woman who had just been stretched out to like 8 feet talk. Heh heh.

Her friends talk about how none of her guys have ever met any of her friends. Wow. Meeting friends is pretty important. They say that maybe it's because she didn't have a good guy to bring home and then Stephanie awesomely says, "I don't really wanna say that Melissa's past relationships have used and abused her, but in a way... it seems like... they have." Thanks Steph.

Jason gets the one-on-two with Steph and Morgan. Weirdly, neither of them have met Melissa's parents either. Steph met then once at a pool party in college. Is that weird to anyone else? It's kind of like she has these super-strict Footloose parents or something. Creepy.

Melissa tells him later that her parents are "very private epople" and that they wouldn't go to her Cowboys games (she was a Cowboys cheerleader) and they never met any of her friends from the squad. That is effing WEIRD. Her parents are up in some house on a hill somewhere telling some girl to put the lotion on her skin or else she gets the hose again or something like that. Jason says goodnight and we get to the rose ceremony. I still think it's Naomi, but Melissa threw a pretty big wrench in the works with that home visit.

Back in Seattle
Jason debriefs each visit with Chris, which is a retread of everything we just saw. Boring. Jason uses the word "unique" a lot in regards to Naomi's mom. Snerk. After some ridiculous fake-moonlight-on-my-contemplative-face footage of Jason on his porch, we go to commercial before the Rose Ceremony. Argh! C'mon, show! I want to watch my TIVO of The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show!

Rose Ceremony
I'm predicting the roses go Jillian, Molly and finally Melissa. The first rose goes to... Molly. Oooh. I guess if the first two go Molly-Jill instead of Jill-Molly, that still makes sense to me. They seem to be neck-and-neck at this point. The second rose goes to... Jillian. Woo hoo, I'm two for two, sort of. Chris comes out to give his pointless sentence about the final rose. Then the final rose goes to... Melissa.

I knew it! I didn't see her making it through tonight and that was BEFORE I saw her cuckoo parents. Jason has a good-bye talk with her and he makes it a point to tell her that it's not her family, he doesn't want  her to think that it's her family. Which probably means it was at least partially her family. But he says that they are in different places in their lives and that she's not ready. She confesses she would have rather heard that he was more into the other women than the fact that she's not ready. I can see that.

And so we bid Monochromatic Naomi adieu. She's very classy on her exit interview, if making Molly's dad mad because she's crying. And isn't it sad that it is worthy of note when a girl isn't dropping swear words in her exit interview?

Back in the house, Jason tells the chickies that he's taking them to New Zealand for the overnight dates. Jillian gets a helicopter over a mountain, Molly gets bungee jumping off a bridge, and Melissa gets a hot tub with an awesome view. I want Melissa's date!