'The Bachelor': 'I'm a nice person. Don't [bleep] with me'

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bachelorettes-kacie-samantha.jpgThe "Bachelor" girls pack up and head for a resort in Park City, Utah. The first one-on-one date is for Rachel, the blonde with the nose stud. Kacie's a sad panda about the other girls getting dates. She says the thought of Ben spending a whole day with someone else drives her crazy. She wants the experience to be over and the two of them just doing normal stuff together, like going to the grocery store.

I love you, Kacie, I really do - but did you not understand how this show works? Also, even if you're dating, he might spend time with other people. Stop sounding like a crazy girl who wants to kidnap him and make a doll out of his hair or something.

Rachel's Date

They leave on a helicopter and the girls freak out. Uh, was there a production assistant just off-screen poking at them with an electrified cattle prod? Seeing a helicopter on "The Bachelor" is the equivalent of seeing a car on the street out in the real world.

They go canoeing, which is really fun and props to Rachel for not being put off by the outdoorsy date. Meanwhile, back at the Chateau du Bachelorette, Kacie is moping and talking to Monica about it. I'm glad Monica has reined in her crazy a little from that first night where she was messing with Jenna nonstop.

Back in the woods, Ben and Rachel have a picnic. It's some seriously gorgeous scenery, which is good because they seem to not have anything other to talk about than the scenery. Where are the crickets by the sound editors? I've come to expect those kind of funny jokes from them. The perfect moment was, "Look, it's a beaver dam" "Oh, yeah" [ crickets]. You let me down, sound editors.

They head to dinner and it's more of the same. Look at that stove, this is a great house, *awkward stare*, mmm good food, *awkward silence*, relationship questions, hot fire, stare, stare, stare. And then she says, "Why waste time on a relationship that you don't really see going somewhere?" Heh.

She insists that she's falling for Ben, but that can't possibly be true. I've never "fallen" for someone and just sat there staring at him and/or the surroundings like it's something to goggle at at the zoo.

Ben says they have a "vibe," which makes me question his definition of the word. And then he gives her the rose. Weak. He says it'll be a "slow burn." Yes. Like trying to start a forest fire with a pair of drug store reading glasses.


Group Date

Jamie, Casey, Blakeley, Lindsey, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie and Courtney. Emily hopes that Courtney being on a group date may be an eye-opening experience for Ben, but I highly doubt it. Courtney's way too good at what she does.

Ben takes the ladies horseback riding and then fly fishing. Courtney looks less than thrilled. I hope she falls in. And drowns. If she does, I promise I'll feel really bad, though. Probably.

Speaking of Courtney, she starts trashing talking my girl Kacie B., so now I'm rooting for a bear to get her. Instead, she does her best to turn the date into a one-on-one for herself.

I finally figured out why I dislike her even more than Michelle Money. Michelle could be funny. Courtney is not funny. She's just a witch with a b, making snide comments and saying things she thinks are clever. But they're not. And that is super annoying.

Watching Ben slobber all over Courtney in his talking-heads makes me just so, so sad. Like he's being set up for such a fall when he finally figures out what a horrible person she is.

Then Courtney catches a fish. I'm sure there was some poor production assistant dressed like a Navy SEAL skulking through the water and attaching that fish to Courtney's line.

Ben finally takes some time to talk to Casey S. We've barely seen her so far, though I do think she's really pretty. He says he's been in love four times since high school, which she acts very surprised by. I'm sure he means different kinds of love. I thought I'd been in love three times before I met my husband, and then everything paled in comparison to him.

Anyway. Nicki and Ben bond over dead people and living life to the fullest. Or something. Nicki kind of annoys me. I don't know why, anybody else?

And now Miss Pacific Palisades wants Ben to tell her what this all means after three group dates and she *gasps* and "likes" her way through a talking-head about her "crazy feelings for this guy" and already having a ring on her finger. Wow, she needs to go. How can you possibly say that at this point?

Ben looks a little caught in the headlights as she talks about "longer time" and basically just complains about having to go on group dates and he totally calls her out about being highly emotional on said dates. And she just fans those flames as her vacuous expression runs the gamut from "confused" to "really confused." He then says he doesn't see it going much further with Samantha and the penny finally drops in her cavernous empty head and her smile fades and he then pretty much sends her packing. Oh, SNAP.

That was the greatest one-on-one in the history of this show, forever and ever amen.

OH MY GOD, y'all. Ben just rose SO HIGH in my esteem of him (not that he cares, but he did). He rightly says some girls don't even get dates each week, so she should not be running her mouth about having to go on group dates. For real.

As she leaves, she says, "He wasn't into me and that's what hurts me the most." Girls like that drive me crazy. How can you possibly be so self-centered and also lack so much self-awareness. Not everybody in the world likes you, no matter how shiny your pageant sash is (or how scraggly your hair is).

Um, and Samantha also might need to re-examine her relationship with alcohol.

He takes Kacie off, as Courtney makes her patented sucked-on-a-lemon face. Kacie and Ben go to a hotel room - whoa. She's not the kind of girl, Ben. She twirls baton, for god's sake. Um, the guitar in the background is sounding suspiciously like the Sarah MacLachlan ASPCA commercial song that always makes me donate money. Did you hear it too? "In this stark, cold hotel room ... blahblahblahblahblah."

Ben is a smitten kitten with Kacie B. He wanted to kiss her while fly fishing, but the other women held him back. He wants them all to get along, you see. Which is rather hilarious. "Hi, I'd like all of you to compete for my love and attention. And be BFFs at the same time." Um, have you met most women? Sorry, my gender sisters. But c'mon. Perhaps I should say "most women who have been on this show." That's better.

Ben then takes Courtney off to the, I don't know, the Grotto from the Playboy mansion or something. And she plays the "I'm lonely and sad when you're not around" card, which she can't pull off the same way as Kacie can, but of course, Ben doesn't see the insincerity.

Now he has to reassure her and apologize and blahblahblah needycakes. Gag me. And then to reassure her, he gives her the freakin' ROSE. Oh, Ben. You are so oblivious.

And Courtney whips out the Charlie Sheen "winning" BS that wasn't even funny after two days of the Sheen scandal. See, she thinks she's really clever and hip. But she's actually just dumb and insecure.

Also, Kacie should wear her hair wild and curly like that more often. Rowr.


Jennifer's Date


The good kisser gets the second solo date. Elyse is none too happy at having been left behind yet again. As Jennifer leaves with Ben, Courtney snots that she sees Jennifer being more friends with Ben. You know why that is? Because Courtney doesn't see Jennifer as as pretty as she sees herself. And for a girl like Courtney, that means everything.

Ben takes her spelunking into a cave/crater thing, where they are lowered down and then drop into the water. I hope that water's warm. Brrr. Later, they get to eat dinner by a roaring fire and talk about past relationships and flexibility. Then the storm starts and they run for shelter. Jennifer says it's sexy and romantic and I cannot disagree. She gets the rose, of course. And then they go to a Clay Walker concert. As one does.

Back at the Chateau du Bachelorette, Blakeley is coloring Emily's hair while Monica and Elyse hang out and they all talk about how rotten Courtney is. Hee.


Cocktail Party


Jennifer makes an effort to talk to Courtney and for perhaps the first time so far on this season, Courtney is normal and polite and stuff, which is another example of how insecure and needy she is. Jennifer was nice to her and so she was nice back. But she lost her chance with the women because she came into the house being standoffish and catty.

Ben talking-heads at the start that he thinks it's safe to say his wife is in the room. Huh.

The Courtney stuff is coming to a head with Emily. She feels the need to speak up. I would caution against that. The first person to speak up always looks like a tattle tale and a poor loser. Especially with women. Sorry, but it's true. I would keep quiet.

But Emily tells him that "someone" is very different around the girls than she is around him. Ben claims he watches the other girls and is observant, and yet - Courtney made those snide remarks last week when Shawntel was around and it was in front of Ben and he took absolutely no notice that we could see. He's not observant as he'd like to believe.

Emily then manages to spill the beans that it's Courtney she's talking about by referring to who got the rose on the date. That immediately puts Ben on the defensive because he likes Courtney. So he tells her not to go crazy obsessing over this and cautions that this will only lead to her own demise. Yes, lady. Duh.

Then Emily runs off to talk to Jamie and Casey about it, but it turns out Casey is friends with Courtney. Um, not that we've seen, but OK. And Casey insists that Courtney is not a fake person and is totally genuine. Oh, Casey. But Casey does nail it when she says Courtney is sweet to people who are sweet to her. Yeah, she is. We saw that with Jennifer earlier. But, like I said, she came into the house with her witch guns blazing, so nobody wanted to be nice to her and now that's her excuse. Oh, they don't like me, so I can be mean to them.

She started it. It's a pathological behavior because she's actually incredibly insecure and unsure of herself. She's mean and off-putting in order to erect a wall and then she expects people to make an effort to befriend her. She needs that type of reassurance. And no one but apparently Jennifer and Casey have tried and so she continues to be a snot about them all.

Wow. This has really turned into the Freudian "Bachelor" recap. It's probably all her mother's fault. Haha.

Of course Casey runs off to Courtney to tell her everything and Courtney is gobsmacked that someone would call her "mean." But Courtney also astutely points out that Emily should not have used her one-on-one time for that.

Courtney snots, "I'm a nice person. Don't f*** with me." Yes, that's how a nice person behaves. Ima stitch that on a pillow for my couch.

And Courtney will not stop obsessing about it. Seriously, there is so much wrong with the women who get on this show. It does not seem like the same types of men get chosen for "The Bachelorette." Am I alone in this?

Courtney flounces down to join a big group of the women and just gives Emily the stink eye (both stink eyes, actually. She is not an attractive girl). And then Kacie hilariously asks for a show of hands as to how many of them have learned more about themselves in the past two weeks of filming the show than the past two years prior to coming on it. And most of them raise their hands.

But guess who doesn't raise her hand and says she knows herself "really well"? Yep, Courtney. Yeah, clearly her self-awareness is top notch. But this sparks a confrontation between Courtney and Emily, where Emily denies everything while saying they should be adults and Courtney just talks some smack. It's ridiculous on both sides. And then Courtney lurches away with her catchphrase - "winning." Like the big loser she is who can't come up with anything better to say.

Emily cries about someone being rude to her, but I have no sympathy. You brought this all on yourself, lady. You don't go tattle to Ben and then talk smack about Courtney to her one friend, dummy.

Rose Ceremony

Courtney, Rachel and Jennifer have roses. There are eight to hand out, so only one is leaving. I predict it's Emily. I don't know who else it could be. But if it's not her, I would say Monica. I like her, but Ben doesn't seem to have hit it off with her that much.

Roses go to Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie, Elyse, Blakeley, Casey and ... (hey, I had the bottom 2) right ... Emily. Wow. She didn't quite shoot herself in the foot enough to go home.

It was hilarious how they kept going to Elyse for reaction shots. That girl should act on soaps.

Monica takes it in stride. She's cool, I would like to be friends with her, I think. I hope to see her on "Bachelor Pad" this next summer.


Next week: Puerto Rico. But guess who isn't excited? Courtney, 'cause she was just there. And can clink her glass higher than anybody. And is desperately, desperately in need of attention.
Photo/Video credit: ABC