'The Bachelor': Jake Pavelka is on the wings of love
The show spends the first 30 minutes doing introducing Jake and the 25 women. I'm not going to recap that -- it's too much footage with too little info.
If you need a run-down of the 25 Bachelorettes, we have a fantastic gallery of all the women, plus posts on The Crazies, The Desperates and The Favorites so be sure to check those out.
I will say this about the opening: Alexa and Rozlyn scare me a little and Vienna's eyes are too close together, which makes her look inbred. Also, could there BE any more shots of Jake without a shirt? It's not "The Bachelor: On the Abs of Love."
Meet & Greet
Highlights of the first 15 Bachelorettes include Rozlyn using a line I bet she doesn't even know is from "All About Eve" (everybody drink!), Alexa wearing her motorcycle gloves and sounding dirty, Vienna making Jake untuck his shirt so she can feel his abs and Corrie asking Jake how he feels about "Kissimee." She means the city but it sounds like she says, "How do you feel about kissin' me?" It stops Jake dead in his tracks, and it's very funny.
The next 10 girls arrive, and highlights include Channy telling Jake something in Cambodian (he has to find her later to find out what it means) Tiana being taller than Jake (you go girl, rock those heels), Ashleigh and her massive thighs tripping and falling right into Jake's arms and Christina bringing "parting gifts" for the other Bachelorettes. Jake seems taken aback by ol' Christina, and she's not quite jovial enough to pull it off with the other Bachelorettes inside.
Jake heads inside. Ashleigh talking-heads that she wants to get alone time with Jake so they can get "a direct flight to romance." Everybody drink! Ali takes some alone time and trips and rips her dress. She tells the girls later that she'll say that's the night she "fell for Jake." Awww. And gag.
Channy gets some alone time and tells Jake that what she said earlier in Cambodian means "You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime." OH MY GOD, WOMAN! Gross. (Also, drink!) Ella takes her turn and talks about her 7-year-old son. It's Stephanie 2.0.
Now the "big guns" come out, as Ashley dresses up like a slutty stewardess and says that Jake's "co-pilot is here." Drink! Actually, drink twice for how desperate that is! Also, do we need to explain to Ashley that pilots don't dress like that? Actually, nobody except 19-year-old drunk college girls on Halloween dress like that.
Elizabeth the Nanny (there's two) puts a stop to the slutty stewardess nonsense by whipping out a football so she can toss around the ol' pigskin with Jake. She's got an actual arm. Well done, Elizabeth. Of course, this leads to a blondes vs. brunettes football game in formal wear. In a totally "spontaneous" move, Jake runs into the house with the football and the women chase him. Didn't Chris O'Donnell make a bad rom-com called "The Bachelor" where that happened?
We now get the special Michelle segment. She's the crying-puking-Shannon of this season. She's super-intense and ready to pop out some babies and Rozlyn (who, don't get me wrong, is a bit of a bitch) can tell that Michelle is a little cuckoopants. (She also looks like a reptilian Sandra Bullock.)
Speaking of cuckoopants, Kathryn has to tell Jake about the engagement ring she wears because of her "pretend fiance." She says she's ready to stop pretending. Yeah... wow. Okay.
Lo and behold, Michelle starts crying. Oh man, are you kidding me, lady? She tells Jake she's ready for a husband, for children, to fall in love 100%, she's got so much to give emotionally and she's "ready to be his co-pilot." Drink. And knock back another one for poor, deluded Michelle.
Is she deluded to think that love can come out of "The Bachelor?" No. Does it happen every season? Of course not. But if love can happen in any number of weird situations, it can certainly happen on this show. However, it's the first night! Dial it back a little, Michelle.
Ed & Jillian
YAY! I'm so excited to see them! They get to interview the girls. Valishia makes a good impression by dancing with Jillian. Meanwhile, Rozlyn is making her big move by joking that Jake wants to have babies with her right now. She's rubbing the girls (and me) the wrong way. Christina then makes Jake lie on the floor and she balances on his feet like an airplane. I used to do that with my BFF Rachel. When we were like 12.
Back with E & J, there are lots of silly questions and whatnot, nothing earth-shattering. Until Michelle comes at them with "I was waiting ... and waiting ... for that alone time" and they stifle their giggles as they try to devise a way to get tell Jake that Michelle might stab him in his sleep or boil his bunny.
Tenley gets some alone time with Jake and does the Top 10 about Tenley, which is totally cute. I don't know why I like this girl so much, but she's absolutely ringing 100% genuine with me. She tells Jake that she's a good kisser, and that leads into a kiss. She talking-heads about how she can't believe she was so forward and that it was a big deal to her and she gets all teary-eyed and man, I just love this girl. She's too sweet for this show! Run, Tenley, run! Rozlyn will eat you for dinner!
Jake talks to Ed and Jillian, and I love Ed's greeting of "Oh my god, dude." It's like they're all buddies -- I love it. Ed really liked Elizabeth the Nanny, and Jillian liked Ella. Sheila gets a thumbs up. Jillian likes fake-ring Kathryn. Booo Jillian. But she kept Wes around, so we don't think her taste is that good. They both tell Jake that they didn't get good vibes from Michelle. Uh, yeah.
Jake gives the First Impression Rose to Tenley and she's so cute about it. That does not go over well with the other girls, but c'mon... there's only one FIR. You can't all get it.
Jake gives roses to Ella, Elizabeth the Nanny, Ali, Vienna (ew), Christina, Gia, Ashley, Rozlyn (ew), Jessie, Corrie, Valishia, Ashleigh, Kathryn and Michelle (are you kidding me, Jake?). With Tenley, that's 15.
Going home are Alexa, Kaitlyn, Channy, Elizabeth the Pilot, Emily, Kimberly, Kirsten, Sheila, Stehanie and Tiana, who drops a "wanted to be [his] co-pilot" on her way out. Drink!
Thoughts & Tidbits
- As you've heard by now, the "sexual relationship with someone in the house" from the previews for the rest of the season means a contestant and a crew member, not two contestants. Which is too bad. I wanted a lesbian scandal.
- I have to think that the producers pressured Jake to keep Michelle for the drama. I mean, could he not see the crazy coming off her? Ed and Jillian could see it!
- My favorites all stayed: Ali, Elizabeth and Tenley.
- What happened to Ed and Jillian's special announcement? I was hoping for a wedding announcement!
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Photo credit: ABC