'The Bachelor: London Calling': "What Kind of Person Does This Sort of Thing?"

Noelle_bachelorlondoncalling_s12_24 Previously! on 'The Bachelor: London Calling', Marshana's attitude got her sent home, and Robin showed her own after being ousted. Four sad, sad women remain. And they're taking Matt home to Mama!

Matt, in Los Angeles, is taken to visit Shayne's (divorced) parents, one of whom - as we have been reminded ad nauseum - is alleged famous person Lorenzo Lamas. Shayne's weave tracks, by the way, may be the stealth fifth remaining contestant on this show. Lorenzo appears and squints at Matt in what he must assume is a fetching manner. And then. And then! He totally calls his own daughter out for appearing on this show just for the fame: "she wants to be a good actress, but she wants to be a star more." Oooh, snap, Lorenzo Lamas! But then, one-on-one, he pulls the big father act and says he was trying to protect Shayne from heartbreak. I get the distinct impression that he and Shayne don't know each other all that well. Then they travel across town to visit Shayne's absolutely terrifying mother, who may very well be Joan van Ark. The entire family - mother and sister included - is swathed in leopard print, with black roots and polyester extensions a-flying. Mom's Restylane has cooked up roast beef and yorkshire pudding, and later shows home videos of a little gymnast Shayne prancing around.

Chelsea_bachelorlondoncalling_s12_2 Then, we travel to Colorado to meet Chelsea's family. Matt reiterates that he's concerned about Chelsea's commitment to this whole enterprise - after all, last week she called him "buddy" 12 times in a row and then told him she hates holding hands. Chelsea clearly gets along with her parents really well, which is refreshing. The four have dinner together, and Chelsea's father starts the protective father routine, but Matt seems to have learned from the Lamas experience, and heads him off at the pass. By the fourth home visit, he's going to introduce himself to somebody's father as a eunuch. Chelsea is concerned that Matt doubts the depth of her feelings for him, and they do that totally awkward "I love....being with you" "I love...the way you make me feel too" thing you do after a third date.

Elsewhere in Colorado, Matt visits Noelle's family on their ranch. Lord, she's adorable. Both Matt and Noelle admit that they don't know each other as well as he knows some of the other girls. They ride horses and she curls up onto his lap and tells him that he's only the second man she's ever brought home. Awwww. Matt's riding skills leave a little something to be desired, and her family really busts his chops about it. Noelle's dad is conservative and wonders what kind of person goes on television to find a wife. Um, yeah, Noelle's dad. After dinner, Noelle's mother and one of her sisters take Matt outside to find out exactly how he feels about her and Matt admits that, while he is falling in love with Noelle, he's falling in love with "other girls" as well. Whoooooops.

Amanda_r_bachelorlondoncalling_s12_ Amanda has hired actors to play her parents for her hometown visit in Talahassee because, in her words, "Matt loves pranks." Fake Mom laughs hysterically at everything and gawks at the size of Matt's...feet. Fake Dad asks if they've been intimate. Oh, this is horrible. Just horrible. Fake Mom does the nipple-grab teased in last week's preview. And, of course, Fake Dad comes out to catch Fake Mom jumping Matt. Oy. Amanda reveals the prank and Matt seems - less than amused. He talks about how "impressed" he is with Amanda's ingenuity. Bye bye, Amanda! The real parents come out and are apparently perfectly normal human beings, but I think Matt's ego is too big to handle this kind of slap.

The ladies gather back in Los Angeles for the rose ceremony, and Amanda is rockin' the cleavage! She knows she screwed up. One little lady is going home tonight, and I'm pretty darn sure it won't be Shayne or Noelle. But I'm usually wrong, so please feel free to ignore me. And Mrs. Matt Grant is not...Noelle. Dag nab it! Why, Matt?! Why?!

Next week - bachelorettes in Barbados!

I am so disappointed that Noelle got sent home when shallower girls like the vapid Shayne stay behind. But I guess I'm not surprised. You?