'The Bachelor': Precious, based on the time with Ben by Jennifer

bachelor-baseball.jpgThe "Bachelor" and the ladies head for Puerto Rico, but it's no big deal because Courtney was just there. Frankly, I'm surprised they weren't turned away at the beach by a mob of angry Puerto Rican women who interacted with Courtney on her trip.

Nicki's Date

I love how Nicki says, "I feel like I'm very fortunate [to be going on the date]." Like, instead of saying "I'm very fortunate," she "thinks" she's very fortunate. Is she not sure? Does she have to wait and see if the date sucks or not? It's a stupid little thing, but it made me giggle.

And then I laugh harder when she squeals about the helicopter. We know there was no production assistant giving her electric shocks, the shot of them walking toward the helicopter was too wide. Perhaps Ben was pinching her really hard.

They are caught in a torrential downpour, but that's just better, it's romantic. Don't complain, Nicki. See, Ben is now hugging you in an alley! So that's neat! And not at all creepy!

Kitty.

They go shopping for dry clothes and Ben is pumped about white linen clothes and "one of those sweet Colombian-looking hats." So basically he wants to be dressed as Hannibal Lecter after he escaped to "have an old friend for dinner." Hmm. Ben "Flajnik" says he has some Latin swagger. Well, sure. Those Latin Germans are the swaggeriest.

They walk by an old wall and Nicki talking-heads that the wall withstood the test of time and that's what she wants in her next relationship.

Do you suppose the production assistants doing the interviewing have a running bet for who can get the weirdest metaphor out of somebody? Like, they ask things like, "The poles for your skis while skiing in urban San Francisco? How are those like your outlook on love?" and the lucky lady answering has to come up with something like, "I'm looking for a love that can be grounded and help push me along in life. And keep me upright and ... be ... oiled. And stuff."

I like to imagine it that way.

Then they "happen" upon a wedding and segue into Nicki's failed marriage. Totally natural. Let's sit here like creepers and watch this wedding. Though points to Ben for knowing that song is called Pachelbel's Canon.

That night, they talk more about her failed marriage. I'm just ... I'm sorry, this is putting me to sleep. Anybody else? This is such a snooze-a-thon. My eyes are literally starting to glaze over. She gets the rose, they make out. Whatever.

Group Date

Back at the Bachelorette Quonset Hut, the girls are arguing about who deserves the solo date. I'm with Elyse - she deserves it, she's barely done anything so far. On the other hand, she might render Ben sterile because her skin has reached radioactive levels. Anyway, she gets the solo date (by process of elimination).

The girls are taken to Roberto Clemente Memorial Stadium. Do any of these girls know who Roberto Clemente is, do you suppose? I'm going to say no. Anyway, the date involves drills, batting practice and fielding grounders. Huh.

Then they women are put on two teams of four to play for more time with Ben. One girl plays for both teams [ ba dump ching] and that girl gets to have more time with Ben regardless of who wins. He remarkably doesn't choose Courtney! I'm actually stunned, I had to erase what I had already typed about him picking Courtney. He chooses Lindzi instead.

Anyway, so arbitrarily Courtney and Blakeley are named team captains and get to choose. You know what I thought the show was going to do? I thought they'd let the teams be chosen, then declare the last girl not picked to be the one who got to play for both sides. Anyway. Courtney chooses Kacie B, Casey and Jamie. Blakeley chooses Emily, Jennifer and Rachel.

This is actually a really fun date, I would love this. So Ben is the designated pitcher and the girls get pretty into it. It's also very high scoring. Kacie says their five runs in the first inning showed that "they meant business." Um, no. It showed that nobody can field a softball. Except Blakeley, she's pretty athletic. And Kacie B. is pretty competitive, which is hilarious. I keep thinking I can't love her more, but then I do. The Red Team (Courtney, Kacie, Casey and Jamie) wins the game.

The losers don't take it well. Blakeley is just mad. Jennifer is crying and talking about the "precious, precious" time she won't get to spend with Ben, which makes her sound like a complete lunatic. He doesn't have cancer, Jennifer. Meanwhile, Courtney snots there's no crying in baseball - don't use that phrase, lady. Don't besmirch that wonderful Tom Hanks moment in that wonderful movie.

At the beach party, Courtney takes stock of her competition. She writes off Casey S. as having no interaction with Ben (I'll give her that one). She says Jamie's a hot mess, which I don't think we have any evidence of (projection, Courtney). And she says Lindzi has an annoying personality, which I think indicates Courtney sees her as more of a threat than most of the girls. Lindzi's pretty and Ben obviously likes her. And Courtney's jealous because she doesn't have a personality. She is completely devoid of one, and then dons her skin suit when she's around Ben.

courtney-maleficent.jpgBut Courney knows Kacie is trouble. Yeah. Kacie's like a Disney Princess and Courtney is like Maleficent. She even looks like her.

Kacie gets pulled off on her own and Ben gives her the rose. It's about time, dude, after that crap you pulled last week with needy Courtney.

After Kacie gets the rose, Courtney takes Ben off and kisses him while flashing side boob at us. But that's not all she's going to flash, as she plants the seeds with him about skinny dipping. Courtney uses as one of her arguments to him that it's "not everyday [they're] in Puerto Rico together." Well, you kind of make it sound like you go there all the time, Court.

Elyse's Date


Her date card reads, "Let's find love somewhere private..." Um, that sounds gross. Anyway, they head out on a yacht and Elyse starts listing all the stuff she gave up to be there (her job, her best friend's wedding). I'm not sure that's the right tactic to take, but OK. She then starts saying they should screw everybody else and get married right there in Puerto Rico, but they aren't really at the playful banter stage yet. She just seems weird and socially awkward. I'm going to say right now that I don't think she gets the rose.

At dinner, Elyse wears white, which is a mistake considering the tone of her skin. She looks like she should be starring in a reality show about something trashy in Jersey. Blech. Also at dinner, Elyse starts complaining about her lack of dates. Um, did you learn nothing from scraggly Miss Pacific Palisades last week? Ben will not take lip from anybody, ladies.

And then Ben sends her packing, after waving the rose around in front of her for a few minutes. Heh. Sorry, Elyse.

The Grossness. All of the Grossness.

So Courtney puts her skinny dipping plan into action. She snots to the camera that maybe Ben has never skinny dipped with a model before. You know what I think? She's a hand model. That's why the footage of her in her introductory video package was of her doing engagement rings. That's all there was to choose from. Because that face ain't sellin' nothing.

Courtney sits outside Ben's room like a stalker, then takes him down to the beach with some wine. Once there, it takes about five seconds to convince him to go skinny dipping. Ugh. I have to say - if I were one of the other girls and I found out about this, I would leave. I find this very disrespectful to the other girls and for this show? That is saying a lot. Courtney says that she's worried when the girls find out (um, you mean when you tell them) that they will hate her forever and ever. And by "worried" she means "hoping" and the unspoken part is so she "can play the victim some more."

And she drops another "winning." We've talked about how clever I find that.

Cocktail Party


Jennifer is over her crying jag from losing the "precious, precious" time with Ben and now thinks they're "on the path to love" and they make out. Sigh. Then Blakeley takes some time with him and tells him that every day she writes down something about him that she likes. Wow, that is surprisingly sweet. And she says she never thought somebody like Ben could like somebody like her. Oh my god, girl. Run. Run away from this show right now. You are now officially too good for him.

Courtney talking-heads that she feels bad keeping secrets from people. Uh huh. So she brings up skinny dipping with a group of girls and it's just a fun conversation. And that's it. It never comes out. I am stunned that Courtney did not spill the beans.

Emily takes her alone time and OH MY GOD, LADY. Read a room, Emily! She uses her alone time to yet again talk about Courtney, even after saying she wants to focus on herself and Ben. Ben notices - because he's dumb, but he's not that dumb. He then tells her to drop it and tread lightly. Emily's going to wake up with a horse head in her bed tomorrow, whether she's here or not.

Emily then, in all seriousness, says to the camera, "I think I screwed up again." I just start beating my head against my laptop.

Rose Ceremony

Kacie and Nicki have roses and I think Emily's a goner. The remaining roses go to Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey, Blakeley and ... Emily! Oh my god! He ditched Jennifer?! She has one of the best personalities there and she's super cute. WTF, Ben? WTF? Was it her Gollem-like "precious" talk? To her credit, she's a total trooper when she leaves. She's upset, but doesn't make a scene.

Next week: A man, a plan, a canal. Panama!

Photo/Video credit: ABC