'The Bachelor' premiere: Sean Lowe gives you a rose! And you get a rose! And you get a rose!
We kick things off with Sean wearing a shirt -- but surely that won't last long. Oh! And there it is. Shirtless at 40 seconds in. Well, thank God because why else are we watching?
The show makes us relive Sean's "love affair" with Emily, complete with him running through the streets of Prague calling her name and then pressing her up against a wall to make out. It's actually rather amazing the clips manage to find moments when Emily and Sean weren't making out, because it seemed like that was all they did. Which, hey, we don't judge because there are worse things.
As the plinky-plunky strains of Emily Despair play, Sean thoughtfully leans on things in Dallas and recovers with his family. You'd think from this portion of the intro that Sean and Emily were married and she, like, died or something. Also, does it seem like Sean desperately wants to be coupled up and start a family? Moreso than past Bachelors?
Shirtless again! And wow, that little girl's playhouse is amazing. Six-year-old us is really jealous.
We have our first ridiculous, literal metaphor - "I want to be that rock," says Sean's voiceover as he shirtlessly climbs a rock. Everybody drink!
The I Hate Emily Club Convenes
Arie is here! You know, we always enjoy how contestants on the show, who are dating (and getting physical with) the same person, end up friends. And weirdly, we like it for real and we like it ironically. It's kind of insane and really feeds into the incestuous nature of this show, but it's also kind of cute. Just one more twisted aspect to this franchise, amiright?
There's a segment where they practice how Sean is going to say "Will you accept this rose" and then Sean "breaks up" with Arie. And THEN they tease us that Arie and Sean are maybe going to practice Sean's make-out technique, but unfortunately that is not where the show goes. Heh. Hopefully these two can be on "Bachelor Pad" together at some point, they're pretty fun.
Chris Harrison! How we've missed you! He intros us into some women's video packages, highlights include:
- Desiree the wedding dress stylist, who undoubtedly is going to show up in a wedding dress like a total crazypants nutjob.
- Tierra is 24 and has had her heartbroken twice and desperately wants to be married. She then loses her mind when she finds out Sean is the Bachelor and talks about "daddy" to her dog. Slow your roll, kiddo.
- Diana has two little girls. It's a real shame she didn't tongue-in-cheek call them her "baggage." Snerk.
- Sarah is an amputee, missing the bottom half of her left arm. That's not funny, but what is funny is that she believes this show "brings people together." Um, lady? Have you seen this show?
- Ashley P. is obsessed with "Fifty Shades of Gray." Ughhhh. We do not have the space here to talk about all that is wrong with that, but let's just suffice to say that erotica was not invented with that stupid book, which is horribly-written crap.
- AshLee has managed to turn her OCD into a career as a professional organizer, so that's nifty. Play to your strengths.
Some of the highlights here are:
- Jackie puts on red lipstick so she can leave a kiss on Sean's cheek. In a terribly scripted moment, the next girl, Selma, who is the size of a hobbit, pulls a tissue out of her boobs and wipes it off for him. *eye roll* It's also kind of amazing her boobs don't topple her over.
- Daniella says, "Hello" like a phone sex operator and then does the most terrible handshake with Sean. You are not his football teammate, stop that.
- Kelly sings a song for him and she gets an A for effort, but an F for not finding away to include the line "Love, it don't come easy." We like our contestants with a little more sense of humor, thanks.
- Katie is a yoga teacher, is barefoot and has some crazy eyes to match her crazy hair. Hopefully she's also a little nutty and sticks around awhile.
- Ashley P. of "Fifty Shades" whips out a tie and wants Sean to tie her up with it later. *purses lips and stares, shakes head*
- Robyn does gymnastics, but she falls down and it's like - you should not have to try so hard. We guess a broken arm is better than being forgettable?
- Paige is there from "Bachelor Pad," remember the Super Fans? We liked her on BP, so hopefully she's just as lovely on this show too.
- Tierra has an open heart tattoo on her left ring finger, which we think is a little bonkers to point out, but that's also because we saw her calling Sean "daddy" to her dog and he did not see that. Instead, he gives her a rose on the spot. Wow. Hopefully she turns out to be outhouse-rat crazy, right? That'd be fun. And of course, the girls already in the house start making the snottiest faces and being mean.
- Amanda does an "awkward pause" schtick and there may be actual crickets chirping, but we'd like to think it's the wonderful sound guys on this show. She seems pretty adorable, to be honest. Great, great smile.
- Lesley "pretends" to run a football play and it's all to make Sean bend over for awhile. EwwwwUH! Rein it in, lady. You do not need to encourage this show to treat him like a side of beef.
- Ashley H. shows up with a turquoise dress and matching eye shadow, looking like a pageant contestant from 1992.
- Desiree does not show up in a bridal gown, to her immense credit, but Lindsay does show up in a bridal gown and forces Sean to kiss her on the lips. Ding ding ding! You win! You're the craziest!
The Mystery Lady
Kacie Boguskie from Ben Flajnik's season is back. She specifically asked to come on the show when she found out Sean was the Bachelor because they've hung out before. Yay! We heart Kacie B.! Pick her, Sean! Or break her heart right at the end and she can be the next Bachelorette. That's be awesome.
Naturally, the girls are less than thrilled that she's there, which ... did you guys even watch Ben's season? Wouldn't you want to just be BFFs with her right away? That's what I would do. Only one girl gets to "win," so you might as well make friends and Kacie B. seems awesome.
The Meet 'n Greet
Ashley P., the "Fifty Shades" girl, is all judgey about the wedding dress girl, but it's like -- hello, kettle? This is Ashley. You're black.
At Kacie's first one-on-one time, she gets Sean's jacket because it's cold. Way to fan those hate flames, Sean. Heh. This is going to be fun.
And then that's just what happens! Selma gets a rose! Robyn gets a rose! Katie gets a rose! Catherine gets a rose! Jackie gets a rose! It's like a giveaway episode of "Oprah." Good grief.
Then the hits just keep on coming, because wedding dress girl (Lesley? Lindsay? Who cares.) is drunk! That's amazing. We realize these nights, especially the first one, go on really, really late. The sun is sometimes coming up when the rose ceremony is finally over. But still -- put down the wine before you're sloshed. We know you have very little dignity left to keep after the wedding dress stunt, but you'd think she'd be trying to hold on to it with both (very sober) hands. We're also so bummed that crazypants wedding girl is going to be sent home (she is, right? Surely Sean is not going to keep her, though the viewer in us hopes he does).
Speaking of drunk, "Fifty Shades" Ashley is drunk too. Oh, those two are too much. This is fantastic. She starts booty dancing with her "Fifty Shades" tie and the other girls are mentally checking her off the rose list. And Sean apparently is too because when he gets alone time with her, he makes a rape whistle joke. BWAHAHAHA! She then falls down the stairs. This is outstanding, y'all.
Back from commercial, Lesley gets a rose! Some other girl has a rose! And lots of blondes are freaking out because they don't have roses. Does Ken not like Barbies? That'd be kinda funny.
Now tears! We have our first tears! Taryn doesn't want to seem too aggressive or desperate, but now she's crying because she hasn't gotten alone time with Sean. Well, with the way he is handing out roses like candy, that would be upsetting.
Sarah feels the same way about no rose yet, but at least Sarah is not crying. Instead, she's just really self-conscious about her arm. When she finally gets her alone time, she brings it up to Sean, telling him not to feel uncomfortable about her amputation or about talking about it. So she gets a rose. Because after that, how can she not?
Anybody have a scoresheet of who has roses and who doesn't? We have no idea at this point. We do know Kacie B. doesn't have a rose, which is such a bummer. Give her a rose, Sean!
The Rose Ceremony
Chris Harrison calls Sean possibly the most sincere Bachelor they've had, which may actually be true, but it's a sliding scale and all. We then get to see the 12 girls that have roses already, who appear to be Tierra, Selma, Desiree, Robyn, Katie, Katherine, Jackie, Leslie H., Diana, Brooke, Sarah and AshLee.
That leaves him seven roses to hand out to the remaining ladies. He gives roses to: Amanda (yay!), Lesley M., Kacie (yay!), Kristy, Daniella, Taryn (good, she seems cool) and ... Lindsay. YES! The crazy girl stays. That's excellent.
We're only bummed about Paige from "Bachelor Pad." The rest, well, we can't really even remember their names at this point.
As she leaves, Paige laments "failing" at "Bachelor Pad" and then "The Bachelor," which -- that's actually kind of a point in your favor, missy.
This season on "The Bachelor": beaches, dancing, castles, a bus, beaches, snuggling, boats, water, amusement park rides, boats, a concert, a mountain, more beaches, more mountains, more water, more mountains, more beaches, kissing, kissing, water, "Dirty Dancing" move, helicopter, helicopter, kissing, kissing and THEN - drama, drama, drama. Desiree has a boyfriend and HE SHOWS UP. Way to step up the game, show. Now we don't just have messages or emails. We have the guy coming to fight for her. Awesome.
And then there's a roller derby! And somebody falls down the stairs, or throws herself down the stairs, or something. And tears, tears, tears - and a lone rose falls to the ground! So, clearly, somebody dies. The show has finally had somebody die from a broken heart. We cannot wait.