'The Bachelorette': Chris Bukowski loses his mind in Prague

emily-john-bachelorette.jpgWhen we arrive in Prague, "Bachelorette" Emily Maynard says it's like back in the "olden days." Well, at least she hasn't stepped back into time this week.

Arie's Date

This week, they have dropped all pretense of Emily just knowing random facts about their locale - she has a guide book this week. And some very weird sparkly shorts. Arie comments how amazing it would be to get married in one of their giant cathedrals. Um, it's not Vegas, dude - you can't just come to Prague and get married in their cathedral.

But now we finally get some drama - Emily is aware that Arie had a brief relationship with a producer on the show, several years ago. Cassie, the producer, took it upon herself to tell Emily about the relationship. Then Cassie asked her questions about it. Emily acts like Arie's "hiding" it and Cassie defends him, saying she's seen him twice in 10 years. Yeah, not sure Arie's really a bad guy in this situation. He probably should have mentioned something when Cassie's name came up in a conversation, but it's not like they were married.

The entire segment where Cassie "interviews" her from off camera and Emily says "like" 1000 times is really terrible - terribly done, not terribly interesting. Just dumb. This is dumb.

Emily then talks to Arie and does that stupid girl thing where she asks vague questions trying to get a guy to say what you already know and want them to say, but you're being so passive-aggressive that the guy has no idea what is going on. My husband is sitting here and goes, "How do you not feel a trap coming, dude?"

Arie finally confesses ... to having a girl's name tattooed on his body. See, he doesn't even know what she's talking about! It's such a miniscule blip on his radar that it doesn't even occur to him that that's what she is talking about. This is so dumb.

AND THEN - the effing resolution happens OFF CAMERA! What the heck is this?! This is the worst manufactured drama this show has ever done because it's absolute nonsense.

Emily and Arie make out on a boat. He's still a frontrunner, blahblahblah. This was totally unecessary. I would have rather watched the two of them have a normal, cute date. Right? I'm not crazy in that, right?

On the boat, Arie says "I love you" to Emily. Big step. How great would that moment have been if it had happened after a long day of doing cool stuff in Prague? Instead of a stupid day with taped Chris Harrison interludes and some producer lurking around asking questions.

And in a talking head, Emily's like, "Whoa. S*** just got real."

John's Date

Chris has been kind of panicking about his lack of time with Emily, so the next date card coming and not being for him has him really freaking out.

This guy doesn't stand a chance - you all know that, right? He's just been too background this whole time. There's no way he gets a rose, so this date is kind of pointless. But anyway, on their boat ride, he talks about the architecture and Emily's contribution is, "It's really pretty." Use your words, Ems.

At a lock gate thing, John and Emily put their initials on a lock and lock it on the fence. John says, "We'll push it in together" and I snicker and go, "Thatswhatshesaid." Also, their lock won't lock onto the fence right away, which is a wonderful metaphor. He's going home.

Back at the Bachelor Letovisko, Chris is being all pouty pants about not getting enough time with Emily. He decides to have a drink and stare contemplatively out the window. Oh, whiny whiny. Ugh.

Back on the date, John reveals this girl he was in love with cheated on him. It's nice that he's opening up, but these two are so far behind the other relationships. This is like an early-episode cocktail party conversation.

And back at the Bachelor Letovisko, the guys sit around (as guys do) and gossip about John's date. The date card arrives and the Group Date is for Sean, Doug and Chris. Then John shows up and says his date went well, so Chris considers whether he should stab John in his sleep tonight.

But instead of taking action, Chris is just Broody Bachelor, while Sean runs off into the night to shout Emily down like some drunken lunatic. They try to make it look like he literally is just wandering aimlessly around Prague shouting her name. He finds her and they make out up against a wall a little. It's not as hot as when she and Arie did it.

Then they make out some more in a bar, then more up against a wall in an alleyway. Does it seem to anyone else like she and Arie have spark plus seem to really have fun together? And these two just want to make with the boot-knocking?

Group Date

The four of them cram into a horse-drawn carriage, which is uber-silly. And Chris continues to b**** and moan. His age is really showing - grow up, dude. Anyway, they go to a castle and Humble Doug is kind of gross again, toasting Emily has a gracious hostess. Ughhhh, vomit. Who even IS he?

Doug then takes some alone time and he's so awkward. He doesn't want to touch Emily, he mentions seeing his life at home and she asks him what she would see if she saw a different side and he goes, "Nothing" in a really weird way. Seriously, what is this guy's deal?

Emily has been THROWING signals at him and he finally just kisses her, but it's like only slightly more romantic than I'd kiss my brother. (Not that I kiss my brother, but you know what I mean.) And Emily sends him home. 'Bout time. Let us not speak of Doug again.

Chris gets some alone time and instead of using it wisely to make a connection with her, he brats all over the place about his lack of one-on-one dates. At least he manages to rein in the crazy, because his talking-heads were making it sound like he was going to throw a chair and punch Emily in the nose or something.

Then Sean gets the rose and Chris freaks out.

Jeffff's Date

It seems like they just had a one-on-one, you know? But anyway, they go to a creepy puppet shop. Aww, it's so nice she wants to buy her son a puppet. And then they "wander into" some big library and put on a puppet show. This is the worst date ever.

Actually, this episode has been really terrible. No wonder they felt they had to drum up some fake drama with Arie and the producer. We can only hope Chris snaps and kills a Prague-ian hobo, right?

Later, Jeffff tells Emily that his giant Mormon family will be there to meet her, but not his parents. They're committed to "something" out in South Carolina for a few years. So that's weird. But it gets weirder - Jefff says he gave the heave-ho to a girl because his parents didn't like her. He very unabashedly says that was the reason. RED FLAG, EMILY.

She then says maybe the dumbest thing she's said so far on the show - "There aren't many people I could lay on the floor with and still be happy." Um...... what?

They talk about having kids and then Jefff says, "I wanna date you so hard and then marry the f*** out of you." Ewwwwww-UH.

Rose Ceremony

Emily decides not to have the cocktail party, so Chris is losing it. His talking-heads, with his bloodshot eyes and his "make her understand" and "I'm the best man for her" stuff, are seriously frightening.

It's interesting how I was so sure John was done for, but Chris' little tantrum and Doug being Doug have moved him up into the fourth slot.

Roses go to Sean (had), Jeffff, Arie and ... then Chris wants to speak with her alone. He apologizes for his behavior on the group date and he gets teared up, and says he took the week for granted. He is being actually very sweet at this point and you can tell Emily is conflicted. But it still seems like too little, too late.

When they rejoin the group, Emily gives Chris the final rose. Wow, did not see that coming. Thought John had done enough, but they just aren't as far along as Emily and the others, plus Chris just made a pretty big time play.

That's just what Emily says to John on the way out - they other relationships have moved along farther than hers with him. He seems to really just want to get out of there.

Next week: Emily has a really hard time with cutting someone


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