'The Bachelorette': Dave lives to fight another day

Tannerp_thebachelorette_s5_290 Last time on "The Bachelorette," Tanner P got all creepy-foot-guy on Jillian and Dave decided Juan was horrifically offensive enough to warrant assault. Will either go home tonight? Only if someone up there likes me.

Tonight there are two individual dates and one group date. There are 16 guys left, so there is either one mother of a group date or there are quite a few guys not getting dates at all.

Ed, a cutie from Chicago who we haven't seen a whole lot of yet, gets tapped for the first solo date. I like him, he seems like a good guy.

Ed and Jillian take a gorgeous helicopter ride over the ocean. What has two thumbs and is jealous? THIS GIRL. I can't decide if I'm more jealous of Ed or Jillian. I think I would have a delightful time with either. On the date, Jillian comments that Ed's affection felt good and it's a sign that they have great chemistry. I don't know that I'd go that far. The fact that a guy's touch doesn't repulse you probably says more about his personal hygiene than y'all's chemistry.

The helicopter lands them on top of a tall building (I am not from LA, I cannot identify it) and they are going to repel down (albeit on a taut rope, not free-flying repelling). Ed seems unnerved, but they both do it and have fun. It's actually more like being lowered in a harness, there's no actual repelling involved. I'm sure it's still scary, though.

After the repelling, it's pool time! They canoodle in the pool and Jillian talking-heads about Big Ed taking care of her. It comes across a lot more needy girl than I'm sure Jillian intends. After the pool, they get to have a rooftop dinner and Jillian says, "I'm glad I got to pop your helicopter cherry." Jillian! I do declare! Their dinner is full of schmoopy platitudes and some smoochies, so I'm sure Ed's rose is on the way. He then gets one, after point-blank asking if he's going to get one. Gutsiest move I ever saw, man. S'more smoochies.

Back at the Bachelor Manse, the group date roster is read aloud. It includes Reid, Wes, Mike, Michael, Tanner F, Mark, Brad, Robby, Tanner P, Kiptyn and Juan. If my calculations are correct, the ones not going on the group date are Sasha, Jake, Dave and Jesse. It really seems unfair that Wes of the Vault Date gets to go on the group date. He and Jake should both have to sit out, I feel.

The group date is on a Wild West Hollywood set. I cannot stop the "Tombstone" quotes running through my head. It's just so quotable! I feel like I could go up to Wes and Dave and say, "I got two guns... one fer each a ya."

The guys get all gussied up in western wear. What is with Jillian's obsession with country & western? When do they rope some cattle? Hilariously, Tanner P looks like the cowboy from the Village People meets Fred Flinstone. Holy cow.

It turns out in the script, Jillian is kissing every guy but two. I hope somebody has some Scope. EXCEPT Mike and Michael are playing gay cowboys. Brokeback Bachelorette, y'all. Awesome. In the first scene, Jillian kisses Brad and it's stiff and awkward, like a 14 year-old boy kissing for the first time. As Tanner P says, "It was like he was kissing his sister." Yes.

In the next scene, what I like to call "Jailhouse Porn," Jillian marches into the jail and kisses every guy inside. Good lord. Then she's a school marm or something and kisses Robby, who is, apparently, a hobo prospector. They share a very nice kiss and Jillian even says that the one with Robby was definitely the best.

Wes, in a totally creepy date-rapist-at-a-party way, takes Jillian off behind the scenes to smooch her. The other guys think he's shady too, so it's not just me, guys. He keeps saying psycho stuff about her "cheating" on him. He did it last week and he did it tonight. Stop being such a stalker freakshow, dude!

Mike and Michael finally get to do their gay cowboy scene and they are being egged on to kiss by the other guys. I shout at the TV, "They should kiss, just so all you 15 year-olds shut your pie holes!" To their credit, Mike and Michael do an awesome job, as the other guys snicker. They don't smooch, but they give it their all, which is nice to see. Jillian is proud that they were such good sports.

The group date then turns to a rooftop drinking session. Reid takes Jillian off for alone time and goes in for a kiss but gets interrupted by Juan. Foiled! Juan thanks her for defending him and they discuss the reasons that he got votes. He says people picked people they didn't like, not who they think is wrong for Jillian, which is spot-on, I think.

Speaking of the votes, back at the Bachelor Manse, Dave rails against Juan, saying he'd kill him if it weren't for Jillian. He doesn't want to look bad "in front of Jillian." I guess he has no problem looking like a complete 'roid ragey psychotic ass*%&$ in front of the entire country. Ironically, Dave is so outraged that Jillian isn't seeing Juan's "real side." Boy, that is RICH. Rich. The solo date invite comes and it is for Sasha.

As an aside, I think Dave isn't far off when he says he'd "kill" Juan if it weren't for Jillian. I don't know that he'd *actually* beat him to death, but I think he would come awfully close and that scares me. Of course, this is all contingent on Dave having his boys around to back him up because we all know scared little bullies always need their gang to make them feel manly.

Hot Tub Time on the group date. Tanner talking-heads that Jillian's feet looked so good he "wanted to put them in [his] mouth" and then calls himself, "Daddy." I gagged a little, I swear to god. He is such a creeper! Tanner then starts putting her feet on his face in the tub.

Robby and Jillian take some alone time and talk about their amazing kiss from earlier. Awww. They smooch some more and then back with the group, Jillian gives Robby the rose. Yay, that's very nice. They then get to watch their film from earlier today and everybody seems delighted, which is nice. These guys all seem pretty cool, even Tanner P with his foot stuff.

Solo Date Time with Sasha. Before he goes, Sasha likens the other guys to sheep (fine), likens himself to a wolf (ummm), and then says he's always looking for the mythical unicorn (what?!?!). Are wolves and unicorns mates? Or is he looking for a mythical unicorn so he can drink its blood and stave off death? It's unclear.

Wes whines like a little punk in a talking-head, saying he should be going on a date with Jillian and cites that he wrote her a song. Um, no you didn't. You wrote her a few lines. When your "song" has 3 verses and a bridge, then you can say you wrote her a song. [eyeroll]

Sasha and Jillian head to the Peterson Automotive Museum to look at famous cars. He photographs her posing on a car, which I'll admit is pretty swoon-worthy. They then get to go for a drive in a Ferrari. Awesome. At dinner, they talk about his first car and how he wrecked it and it rolled over on him. It crushed his pelvis, collapsed his lung and whatnot. Yikes. The fact that he's alive and walking is apparently a bit of a miracle, so wow, good for him.

Back at the Bachelor Manse, Wes plays the same three lines he wrote for Jillian again, but this time it's just for the guys. They alternately yawn and look like they are trying to think of ways how to kill themselves. Tanner P does a spectacular imitation of the guitar-playing guys that sounds like he is playing a tiny ukelele and then says he has "other skills." My boyfriend chimes in with, "Toe-suckin.'"

Back on the Solo Date, Jillian confides in Sasha that it scares her that he hasn't fallen in love or been hurt before. Hmmm. I'm not sure I agree. I mean, the fact that this is a reality show that has only spawned one successful relationship aside, it only has to happen once, right? You shouldn't write somebody off because he hasn't been in love before! But this is "The Bachelorette" and I shouldn't be getting so worked up over it. She then doesn't give him the rose and Sasha has to go home... ON THE BUS. They have the money to let them joyride in a Ferrari but he has to ride somewhere on THE BUS? I mean, it's a city bus, y'all! What on earth?

Back at the mansion, Wes stands under Jillian's balcony and plays his "song" for her. My boyfriend wonders aloud, "Do you think he uses Botox? His forehead tries to move but it can't." Snerk. Wes plays his first line and then asks if he can come up to finish it and Jillian says yes. Oh, Jillian! I want to like you SO much. The "song" goes:

When they say, they say that love, it don't come easy
It's hard to (something something, Jillian is talking)
But I've got a feeling that I'm believing
That love (something something, Jillian again)
Lovin' you, baby, don't take that long.

"Lovin' you, baby, don't take that long?" I would think that would be kind of an affront on his own staying power, ifyaknowwhatImean.

Cocktail Party Time. Reid is alone with Jillian first and asks her why he didn't get the rose last night. Way to look needy and insecure, dude. There were 11 of you and only one rose, calm down. They smooch and it gets pretty hot n' heavy.

Back inside, Dave whines about how little time he's spent with Jillian. Maybe it's because you're a creep, Dave. But then he gets alone time with Jillian, whistling "Here Comes the Bride" on the way out the door. I actually lose an eye because I roll my eyes so hard.

In alone time, he confesses to being jealous of the other guys because he's used to be top dog and how impressed he is with her. He then commences throwing other guys under the bus, but before he can name-names, Juan walks up and steals Jillian away. Fantastic. You can just see Dave's blood beginning to boil.

Dave heads inside and tells the other guys that Juan stole her away. Jake and Ed seem to be with Dave, so my respect for them plummets. He then proposes a toast to "real guys who take their shots like a man." I just... I'm running out of ways to express my dislike, y'all. But I'm pretty disappointed in Jake and Ed that they're even giving this guy the time of day.

Tanner P takes his alone time, but not before he tells us in an interview that he's here to "suck some toes and meet some Jillian." Ugh. DUDE. He then expresses to Jillian that he thinks some guys are there for the wrong reasons. She rewards him by putting her feet in his lap. Jillian, don't get too close to his mouth! You'll lose one! Back in a talking head, Tanner practically, well, arrives at the prospect of sucking on her toes.

Back in Dave's Court of Juan-Bashing, he snaps at Ed about interrupting his Juan-based tirade. Dave has pretty much lost his mind at this point. Brad then has some alone time with Jillian and tries to rat Dave out about how psycho he is. Go Brad!

Meanwhile, Dave is shoring up support for his "Kill Juan" brigade. Interestingly enough, he is brow-beating Mark (I think) into admitting he doesn't think Juan is right for Jillian, then demands to know why Mark isn't doing anything about it. Dave is a scared little BULLY and he needs guys to back him because he can't do anything otherwise. Oooh, I just want to kick him. Oooh!

Mark and Tanner P try to rein Psycho Dave in but there is no reasoning with him. Juan starts to come outside and Dave orders him to go back inside because they're talking about him. He then tells the group he's holding court with that he's "man enough to tell [them] what [he] thinks." Dave is so gross.

Juan comes back outside and Dave tells him to go back inside, but this time he doesn't. Juan tries to keep the peace and Dave is clearly unnerved that Juan doesn't care that Dave doesn't like him. Dave brings up the shot thing again, like LET IT GO, DUDE. Juan then explains he's looking for love, that's why he's here. Dave says, "You're 35 years old, stop being a cheese-ass and just be yourself." What does that even mean?

I cannot understand Dave's problem with Juan, but he storms off and then gives another DELIGHTFUL interview about wanting to "beat the [f-word] out of [Juan]." Interestingly, Robby then tells Juan that he agrees 100% with Dave. That tells me that there is more going on with Juan that we haven't seen, but at least Robby has the decency to say it in a calm voice and then clink glasses with Juan. Dave is a psycho and needs to leave before somebody gets hurt. Juan is clearly stung by Robby's agreement.

Juan also says that Dave is a bully. Yes! Inside, Ed starts to tell Jillian about the drama but then Chris interrupts so she can go deliberate. Man, why won't someone tell her about all this? Is everybody that afraid of Dave's ire?

Dave talking-heads that he wishes Jillian had seen what went on that night between him and Juan so she could see what kind of person Juan is. REALLY, DAVE? REALLY? I have a feeling Juan would be getting a big fat hug and you'd be getting a boot to the ass. But maybe that's just me.

Jillian chats with Chris and I am disappointed to hear that she wants to get to know Dave better. Oh, Jillian. She also defends Juan, which is nice. We also find out that only two guys are only home tonight. Ouch.

Eliminations. Jillian gives roses to Jake (yay!), Reid (yay!), Mark (don't have feelings on him yet), Jesse (yay!), Tanner P (hmm), Wes (booo), Juan (yay), Michael (yay), Kiptyn (yay!), Mike (yay), and Dave (too many not-nice things). Brad and Tanner F are going home. I'm not bummed about Brad, she has no chemistry with him, but I'm bummed about Tanner F, he seemed okay.

In his exit interview, Brad talks about loving someone more than they love you. Hmmm. Brad also says that Tanner P, Dave and Wes don't offer anything. Oh, Brad. You're so great in your exit sentiments.

And, like with last week's "extra scenes" before the credits where they showed Simon being hilarious about his accent, this week a bunch of guys go all jungle warfare on Ed in the mansion, spraying him with beer and baby powder and stuff. It's delightful. More of that, please!