'The Bachelorette': Justin hops for Ali's love

john-steve-bachelorette.jpgTwo more bachelors are sent packing and the "Bachelorette" house keeps ganging up on Rated-R. But he can crutch himself two miles in the blazing heat for the love of dear Ali, so he's fine.

Chris Harrison informs the bachelors that there is one group date and two individual dates this week, but not everybody gets a date. The first date card is for Roberto.

Roberto's Date
A helicopter picks them up and flies them over the city, which I kinda cool but, c'mon... it's Los Angeles, not Hawaii. Los Angeles is kind of an ugly city, if you ask me. Anyway, it drops them off on the top of a downtown building and they have to cross on wires high above the street to get to their dinner. Death-defying! Except with harnesses.

I mean, I'm sure that would still be scary, but it's not like they put them on wires and hand them a tightrope walker's pole and say, "Okay, GO!" They aren't going to die, and no amount of plinky-plunky music can make me think they're in danger. It's really rather boring. Move it along, show.

When they finally have dinner, Roberto shows off how cultured and worldly he is. He speaks like a zillion languages AND he played baseball? *SWOON* Even if he does look like he's about 5-foot-7. Roberto asks Ali if she knows how cute she is. Well, her grandfather was Swedish. And her grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Ali then pulls a Luke-from-"More to Love" move by asking for Robert to give her a "beso." Funny how from Ali it's sweet, and from Luke it was like juuuuust this side of date-rapey.

Roberto is given a rose, which is not a shocker. What would've been hilarious is if he did NOT get a rose and then (much like Reid, who was eaten by bears in the Canadian wilderness) was left on the roof and had to rappel down the side John McClane-style, all barefoot and using only a fire hose. Alas, there is just some smooching. No rappeling.

Bachelor Manse
Kirk, John, Chris N., Frank, Jonathan, Craig, Justin, Jesse and Chris L. get the group date card with a message about rocking Ali's world. I bet it's rock climbing and not karaoke, as Kottonmouth Kasey guesses.

Group Date
The guys are dropped off in "gang war" area (per Chris L.) and find out they are making a music video. I hope it's a "West Side Story" rumble under the overpass, but unfortunately, it's the Barenaked Ladies playing ... you know what they're playing. It's been everywhere since like 1998. My theory is that if they weren't playing that song when the gang walked up, nobody there or at home would've known who the band was.

But the song they're doing the video for is called "You Run Away" -- the lyrics are "you could turn and stay but you run away from me." Frank tries to make it sound relevant and sweet, but it's borderline stalkerish and obsessive. "I'll give you one thing you can cry about" -- yeah, that's not creepy.

So each guy gets his scene and some of them get to smooch and some don't. I wonder if there are any "Brokeback" guys like on Jillian's season. I don't remember which two guys did that, but they were really good sports about it. Weatherman Jonathan gets a kissing scene (with Ali, not another dude) and he's totally nervous. You sort of have to wonder if Jonathan's ever touched a boob before.

Frank goes first -- he gets to hit on her and rub oil on her, then she slaps him and she can't stop giggling about it. They do nine takes and it sounds like she's slapping him pretty hard, so that's hilarious.

Next up is John crashing Ali's bathtime. See, it's a creepy song. Who crashes somebody's private bathtime?

Jonathan's kissing scene is next, and he chokes. He first tries to see if Ali doesn't want to do it, so he can get out of it. But she's like, "Hellz no, let's do it." He flubs a couple takes and then he starts crying about it. Oh honey, no. Don't cry about it! You make it so hard for me to like you. Ali then gives him a big ol' hot kiss the next take and he feels better, comparing it to a rocketship explosion. Sigh. Don't write my jokes, dude.

There are some other dudes, then Kirk kinda steals the day by rolling around in the bed with her and doing some pretty heavy making out. The other guys leave because they are so uncomfortable. They keep kissing even after the director yells, "CUT," and Frank looks like his heart is totally broken. Awww.

Afterward, they have drinks and Chris L. gets some alone time. He talks about his tattoo, which is his mom's signature. He tells Ali about his mom passing away and how he took the deed of his parents' house to the tattoo parlor to get her signature put on his heart. That really is sweet. A little weird, but sweet.

Jonathan gets alone time next and it's kind of another big ball of awkward. He is just ... so gawky. He tries for a real first kiss and gets snaked by Craig. Oh, Weatherman!

Kirk gets hot tub time, so he's extra steamy tonight! They make out some more, and you can tell she's really feeling it, if only physically. I mean, he seems cool and stuff, but she hasn't really been around him enough yet. But the physical thing is definitely there. Woo woo.

The other guys are totally jealous, but I mean ... c'mon. He went for it and you didn't and deal with it! The guys decide to just cannonball into the pool and crash the alone time. Except for Justin, who has to sit on the side. That is a bummer.

Kirk gets the rose, which is not a shock. If Ali spends all night putting her tongue in your mouth, you better get the damn rose. They then get to view the video, which is cheesy but cute. I'm sure it was fun to film and then watch -- that's a cool activity. Weatherman's kiss is what makes it into the video (that we see) and everybody cheers. Way to go, buckaroo.

Hop-a-long Justin
The next day, Justin takes off from the Bachelor Manse on his crutches and stumps his way to Ali's house up the road. She's actually filming a talking head when he hobbles up, though how real that is is anybody's guess. I call shenanigans. Even if Ali didn't know, the production team orchestrated this. He crutched two miles to her house? Whatever -- there was a cab that dropped him off a block away. Also, I love the accompanying "ca-caw" on the soundtrack that implied perhaps Justin might run out of steam and just lie down and die by the side of the road to be devoured by vultures. If wishing made it so, amiright?

Hunter's date
They go to Ali's house and barbecue. That's a great date if you ask me.

Back at the Manse, Kirk jokes about walking to Ali's house, and Justin says it might take a couple hours. Well, yeah. If you aren't in a show-provided rickshaw or whatever. Justin then predicts Hunter doesn't get a rose and has to leave. Big prediction. I don't think that'll happen. Later, Kasey gets into it with Justin about how he's not there for the right reasons, he wouldn't give up everything for Ali, blah blah blah. Who his Kasey to judge? I mean, I don't love Justin but who is Kasey? Justin then gets all emotional talking about his absent father.

Hey, random thought -- if girls with absent daddies become strippers, do boys with absent fathers become "entertainment wrestlers?" Is that the male equivalent? I think I'm onto a new thing here.

After BBQing, there is hot tub time, and Hunter seems to want to kiss her, but she doesn't seem that interested. Hmm. Hunter is kind of awkward. But I still don't think Ali will diss him with no rose. Except then she does just that.

I didn't see that coming. I mean, I don't see a spark between them either, but I thought she'd keep him around nonetheless. Justin 1, Andrea 0.

When the cabbie comes to get Hunter's bags, the guys are surprised but not overly broken up. Justin's pretty excited that he called it, which ... be a better sport, dude.

Cocktail Party
Ali tells them she didn't see her husband in Hunter and then they toast to their fallen comrade. Ali has on the most beautiful taupe dress and I HATE that color, so that is saying something.

Chris L. gets alone time first, and there is more Masshole bonding. (Just kidding, Mass. folks. Don't email me.) Flip Cup comes up and I'm ready to sign on for a FC tourney with Ali and Chris and his brothers. LOVE FLIP CUP.

Meanwhile, Frank is now chatting up Kirk about their connection with Ali, like it's the two of them versus the other guys. If I were Kirk, I'd feel weird about that. Frank is trying to keep his enemies closer, I think. He's going to stab you in your sleep, Kirk.

Justin takes his alone time and talks about how the guys still don't like him. Ali in a talking-head compares him to Vienna. Not a terrible comparison, though he is miles better looking.

Steve sets up a little blanket Champagne picnic for his alone time, which is very creative since he didn't get a date this week. Except he can't, ahem, pop his cork and then Ali wonders why his hand doesn't work, implying he's been having some Lil' Steve time. He then says his hand is a little numb. Not helping, Steve. That makes me think you sat on it til it went numb and then pretended it was a stranger.

Snicker.

The rest of the guys are getting their "pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-a-little, talk-a-little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more" on and trashing on Justin. It's mostly Ty, but the rest are standing around. Justin then comes up and totally hears and calls Ty out while actual crickets chirp in the background. I heart the sound guys if that's not real.

Justin then demands that they talk to his face about what problems they have with him. Ty says that the guy they see is not the guy Ali sees. What does that even mean? Where are the actual examples? I'm getting tired of defending Justin -- maybe he's getting an incredibly favorable edit -- but to me it seems like the guys are really threatened by his profession and how good-looking he is.

Roberto gets alone time next and he brings up Justin. Ali spills the beans about him coming to her house the day before. She "hopes" it doesn't make things worse for him in the house. Ummmm... Ali.

Roberto of course goes running back to the guys to gossip about it and they get the torches and pitchforks out. BURN THE WITCH! I seen Justin Rego speakin' with the devil! They confront him in the middle of the group and he can smell the stoning coming, but he admits to it. He says he did it to prove that he's there for her and that Chris even told them to take every opportunity and advantage.

The other guys are mad, but honestly, what are they mad about? They are mad they didn't think of it first. Kottonmouth Kasey even calls him creepy. Uh, that's rich, "protect and guard your heart" dude. Like none of them would've done that if they'd thought about it. Please. I don't for one second think the stunt was shenanigan-free, but I do think the guys' "outrage" stems from being snaked and not from any sense of fair play.

Justin goes outside to cry because he's tired of being ganged up on and being the outcast. That's fair, though I'm not sure he's actually crying. I think the show just wants us to feel bad for him.

Rose Ceremony
Kirk and Roberto are safe, and there are nine roses to hand out. I predict Chris N. and Craig go home. The roses go to Chris L., Jesse, Chris N., Ty, Kasey, Craig, Frank, Jonathan and Justin. So John and Steve are out. I was totally off-base.

John and Steve seem disappointed, but neither one leaves in a fit of rage. I won't miss them. They were boring.

Next week: AROUND THE WORLD!

Thoughts & Tidbits
  • I loved the ending with the mouse. Hilarious. The outtakes with the guys are so much funnier than the female outtakes during "The Bachelor." It's like the mansion becomes a frat house. Love it.
  • So who's Team Kasey and who's Team Justin? Or is everybody like, "Get rid of them both, long live Chris L. and Frank!"?  That's where I'm at.

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Photo credit: ABC