'The Bachelorette': One guy leaves, one guy returns
There's a filler montage recounting each guy she has left. Just in case you're just tuning in or something. Silly. I will not be recapping the recap, thanks.
But before any dates, who is at the door? Is it Ryan?! I KNEW IT. I predicted it would be Ryan! OK, so this is fun. Silly and contrived "Bachelorette" nonsense, but fun nonetheless. Is Ryan going to be the next Bachelor? I'd be OK with that.
Anyway, so he is "putting everything on the line" to see if there is "love to be had with this." Interesting - she kicked you out in the middle of a date, dude. But points for effort. So he explains to her how much his ouster blindsided him and how he can't stop thinking about her and that he wants a chance to see things through. He then says, "So, I called Chris." AH! "I want to talk to Chris Harrison." Seriously. A t-shirt, we all need t-shirts that say that, with Chris Harrison's smiling face on it.
Ryan asks Ashley for another chance and says they had a connection from the first moment at the limo. She's nodding, but is very hesitant. He gives her his hotel information and says he's here for a couple days, so she can reach out if she wants to spend more time together. Wow, that's pretty smooth.
"I'm here for a couple days, you give me a ring if you want to spend more time together." That is smoooooth. Talk about dangling something in front of her that she must naturally be curious about.
Ashley walks contemplatively on a pier while looking very island-y, but in her expression you can see her put it all aside to concentrate on Ben. Heh. Their date involves a beautiful yacht ride while they rehash the hometown date. Ben talking-heads about how happy he is at this point.
Meanwhile, Ashley tells him to rub sunblock on "everything" on her. Whoa. Guess who's getting a Fantasy Suite invite? Seriously, they're about half a smooch away from doing it on the yacht deck. To cool off, they go snorkeling and that looks just amazing. Ben admits after the daytime portion of the date that he is really falling for her and that there is "so much [he wants] to tell her." Oooh. He says later that he thinks he's going to tell her he loves her tonight. Double oooh.
At dinner, he says he's open and available today, whereas two months ago he wasn't. He also says he's on the way to "the whole 'I love you' thing." Heh. He seems to have just jumped in with both feet, without actually saying it.
The Fantasy Suite card comes out and to Ashley's credit, it is made Ben's choice instead of making it seem like it's her choice because of course the man wants to shack up, like sometimes happens.
The Fantasy Suite is ah-mazing. AMAZING. But Ben says he has decided not to tell her he loves her. Hmm. I wonder why he changed his mind? We fade to black as the two of them, glistening from the pool, go inside the suite.
Ashley's big "surprise" for Constantine is a helicopter ride. Frankly, a season without a helicopter would be more of a surprise. But it's Constantine's first time, so he's totally stoked. As they ride, it is more beautiful than, say, a ride over NYC or a glacier. I mean, Fiji looks fake. How can anything look like that on this earth?
We check in with Ryan on a beach while helicopter sounds are either there or edited in. Are we supposed to think Ashley and Constantine flew right over him? Because that would be kind of awesome. Ryan's a sad panda because Ashley hasn't knocked on his door yet.
Meanwhile, Ashley and Constantine go cliff diving at a waterfall. Wow. Like everyone on this show ever on an adventure date, Ashley expounds the metaphor of them taking a leap of faith or both jumping in feet first or drowning in your love waterfall or something.
Ashley hilariously makes another metaphorical observation by saying she learned of Constantine on the hometown date that he looked at 108 houses before he bought a house, which she extrapolates to his pickiness with women and how they don't have time for him to be closed off and picky and whatnot.
He laughs and says that houses and women are not the same - well yes, but she's making an analogy. She even draws back on the "there's a part of me that worries he just can't jump into a relationship head first" metaphor, which - maybe not head first. That's how you break your neck and die. As long as we're being analogous.
At dinner, it comes out that Constantine is good friends with Ben so far on the show and she asks if it's weird. He says it's not because they respect each other. It'd be worse if they didn't. But he wouldn't be mad if his friend and Ashley were the ones who fall in love. Aw, very grown up of you, Constantine!
Constantine also admits at dinner that he wants to be able to meet her father and ask for his daughter's hand in marriage, but he isn't there yet. This gives Ashley a bit of pause. Meanwhile, he also says he won't accept the Fantasy Suite if he isn't in love with her because he respects her and he knows what the FS means and what it implies. Man, Constantine is kind of awesome.
*President Obama-Speaker Boehner speech-off*
Back on the date, Ashley wants to know where this leaves us if he's not in love with her and he's not taking the Fantasy Suite. He flat-out says, "If we're going to be honest about it, this means the end of the road for me." Wow. He's such a good guy! C'mon Ashley, admit it - you were feeling Ben and J.P. more anyway. Plus Ryan is waiting for you back on that beach there (you know he's still there, making sad faces).
So is Ashley going to Ryan because she wants to? Or because she's feeling rejected by Constantine and needs affirmation? I seriously wonder. Anyway, when she shows up he's happy like a wiggly little puppy.
They talk about how abrupt his departure was and she says he's one of the best guys she's ever met in her life - BUT she still knows it was the right decision because there was no passion or spark. She says she's happy with her two guys and he says he's happy for her. Aww.
And then she just kind of walks off. "Bye." Hahahaha. Poor Ryan. Are they prepping him for next Bachelor? Would you watch?
They get to take a sea plane to a private island. J.P. says to Ashley, "We have our own island?!" Well, you don't get to KEEP it. They smooch and canoodle a lot. You know why I think they are the best couple? Because he got her the night Bentley left, where they skipped their date and just sat around in PJs and ate food and talked. That's real and that's why they actually have a real relationship.
As they stand in the water, he says his family loved her and that he's ready for the end. He wants it to be over and to hear that he's the guy. He talking-heads that when he looks at Ashley, he sees the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Ya know, I don't usually say this but I actually buy these two. I feel like they could make it, the way I felt about Ali and Roberto.
Their dinner that night is in the jungle, it's very romantic. And if they need to start a signal fire, Ashley's earrings are at the ready. Anyway, during dinner Ashley tells J.P. that she said goodbye to two guys this week and he about swallows his tongue. Um, is she mental? Does she know what that made him think? He got so excited for a second! Ashley, booo. That was mean.
But then they go to talk about Ryan and she assures J.P. that she quickly told Ryan she wasn't feeling it and that she likes what is going on with her guys. But then he confesses he's still holding back a bit because he wants to be the only guy when he plunges in (I swear, I wrote that without hearing in my head how dirty it sounds). She tells him not to hold back until you're the only one because that won't happen and he counters that he knows it has to be a leap of faith at some point, but he needs more. What more do you need? You're Top 2. It's kind of crunch time, J.P.
They get the Fantasy Suite card and J.P. says he's into it. Heh. They're totally gonna DO IT, y'all. J.P. talking-heads that he knows he's there, he knows he's in love with her. They smooch us into commercial.
Ashley and Chris dish about the week in Fiji. Nothing spectacular happens.
This is one of those symbolic rose ceremonies for Ashley, she's very intent that the guys want to be with her and not just her want to be with them. Her mission is to be the person who is waiting to see if they accept her rose. I guess this is the way they build suspense? Hm.
Ashley tells the guys about Constantine leaving and why the Rose Ceremony is still important to her. She wants them to really think about if they are on the path to getting engaged. She then offers them roses and of course they both say yes.
Next week: The Men Tell All special on SUNDAY, don't miss it! Bentley even shows his rat face. And then Monday - Ashley's family and the big finale!