'The Bachelorette': Suite Suite Fantasy
Last week, DeAnna kissed love goodbye when she sent Graham packing. Who will 'The Bachelorette' allow into her, ahem, fantasy suite now? (Euphemism alert!) And, more importantly, does this make Graham the next Bachelor?
Greetings from beautiful Grand Bahama Island, where DeAnna will be attempting to put Graham out of her mind while liasing with Jeremy. She wants to see the fun side of Jeremy, not the yeah-well-BOTH-of-my-parents-died side of Jeremy. They travel to a small deserted island populated only by Jetskiis and while they have fun, DeAnna gets distant and feels like Jeremy is being standoffish. Maybe she's just projecting Graham-like characteristics onto Jeremy?? That night, they have a romantic dinner and she asks him leading questions like "do you looooooove....the Bahamas?" Jeremy is nervous and squirmy and of course DeAnna's automatic response is that he isn't opening up to her enough, just as it is her response to absolutely everything she dislikes. (Actually, that's not true. DeAnna has three responses: you're not opening up to me, my heart is breaking right now, and BRADBRADBRADBRADBRAD.) DeAnna offers Jeremy the fantasy suite card and he doesn't even let her finish talking before he's like "now? Now is good. Can we go now?"
And fade-in, morning, as a postcoital DeAnna reveals that her favorite thing about Jason is how excited he always is to see her. She and Jason go offroading, and Jason tries desperately to be more interesting. They take a really cool deck/raft thing to a picnic in a rainforest, and it's beautiful. She keeps her eyes open when she kisses him. Danger, Will Robinson! They both attempt kayaking for the first time. She just seems very...affectionate toward him. In a very friendly sort of way. At dinner, Jason essentially tells DeAnna that she is as important to him as his son, and DeAnna responds by offering him a fantasy suite card, which (like Jeremy) he doesn't even finish reading before acquiescing. Oh, and she just continues to stare at him and pull back a little every time he kisses her, and it's just painful to watch. Jason has bought her a gold sand dollar pendant and tells her that she has renewed his faith in love. Run, Jason! Run!
Another morning, another man, as DeAnna prepares for her date with Jesse. Oh, he's such a schlub. Wear a shirt with a collar! At least! They go horseback riding on the beach and kiss on their horses in the surf. They picnic and kiss on the sand, and she closes her eyes every single time he kisses her. Poor Jason. They make out in the ocean and have more chemistry, honestly, than she does with either of the other guys. More smooching at sunset in front of a bonfire before dinner on the beach. Heh. The wardrobe department continues to have one hell of a vendetta against DeAnna: she's dressed like Rue McClanahan on a vintage "Golden Girls." Jesse leads off the meal by asking when she wants to start a family, and they agree that right away would be good. She has some concerns about his lifestyle and his life plan in addition to some geographical concerns. He tells her that he's falling in love with her and she hands him the fantasy suite card and begins to unbuckle her belt. Not so fast, little lady! Jesse can't help you with that belt buckle until he gets the a-ok from Papa Pappas. Just joking! He'll totally have sex with you just like those other two guys you've had sex with in the last 48 hours!
This is the hardest decision DeAnna has had to make in the last week. And you guys! Guess what?! No, no, you could never guess in a million years, so I'll just go ahead and tell you. DeAnna's heart is BREAKING right now! I KNOW! But she draws upon some remarkable well of inner fortitude to give the first rose to Jesse and the second to Jason. Jeremy looks absolutely blindsided, poor guy. DeAnna proceeds to admit that she a. is stupid to send him home and b. has more of a connection with him than she does with the other two men. Um, so...wait, what? Jeremy tells DeAnna that he's in love with her and this is one of the worst days of his life. Oh, my god, this poor guy. Be strong, Jeremy! If nothing else this show has been like one long Jeremy Infomercial. I mean, you ladies would totally marry him, right? Right?
Next week: Meet Papa Pappas! Marry this girl!
Well, we've officially gotten rid of the Shirtless Contingent. Sigh. I think Jesse's too immature for DeAnna and I think DeAnna's too immature to be a mom, so I can't see anything good coming of either of these two matches. Thoughts?