'The Biggest Loser: Families': Think of the children!

Heba_thebiggestloserfamilies_240 The Biggest Loser: Families raises an interesting metaphysical question: How the hell do they fit three hours worth of filler into a one-hour show?

This spoiler is thinking big picture.

We begin with the reverberations of the Wrath of Jillian still echoing in the gym. She vents to Bob, who agrees with her that there's nothing funny about this house. Amy originally stomps off in a huff (pulled by a tizzy), but she comes back to the gym a few moments (or hours... who knows, since we're not seeing it in real time?), and Jillian praises her choice. Amy thinks this makes everything great.

Which is good, because Jillian can't spend time on Amy and Shellay -- she's got a wounded inner child to nurture! Jillian spends time talking to Michelle. Now, our astute commenters have teased out the secret, hidden, invisible backstory to Michelle's tenure on the ranch -- she's there with her mother, and (you didn't hear this from me, but... ) they hadn't talked for five years! They're trying to mend their relationship. I know! I had NO IDEA!

Jillian basically tells Michelle that she doesn't need to worry about her mom, she just needs to focus on herself. "I'm going to be the last person in the world to tell you how to think," she says... and I don't know what she said next, because I passed out from simultaneously laughing hysterically and banging my head against the wall. Because Supreme Leader Jillian would NEVER tell her acolytes what to think! Perish the thought!

Bob gets to take his charges on a Product Placement jaunt, and dudes -- no one is that excited about going to [Product Placement]. You're SERIOUSLY overselling it. Dial it back a bit, ok? However, Bob does impart one pearl of wisdom -- park as far away as possible, and reap the benefits of accidental exercise as you trudge across the parking lot. Oh, and also, high-fructose corn syrup? It's bad. Who knew?

The Weigh In
Bob's team is supremely confident, while Jillian's folks are shaking in their boots. Gee, you don't think there could be some sort of unexpected reversal of fortunes, do you?

Team Yellow
Coleen goes from 195 to 192
She loses 3 pounds, for 1.54 percent change.

Team Pink
Michelle drops from 220 to 216, losing 4 pounds.
Renee goes from 242 to 237, a 5-pound drop.
Together they lose 9 pounds, for 1.95 percent change.

Team Purple
Amy goes from 213 to 208 pounds, a 5-pound drop.
Shellay drops from 198 to 194, losing 4 pounds.
That combined loss of 9 pounds amounts to a 2.19 percent change.

Team Red
Amy goes from 204 to 199 pounds, a 5-pound drop.
Phil drops from 290 to 287, for 3 pounds lost.
Together they lost 8 pounds, a 1.62 percent change.

Team Orange
Heba drops from 274 to 266 pounds, a fantastic 8-pound loss.
Ed stays put at 299 pounds.
Together, they lost 8 pounds, for a change of 1.4 percent.

Team Brown
Vicky goes from 220 to 217 pounds, dropping 3 pounds.
Brady goes from 301 to 292 pounds, a 9-pound loss.
Together they lose 12 pounds, for a total of  2.3 percent.

The Elimination
This seems like a no-brainer to me: One of the reasons Ed and Heba wanted to be on the show was that they want to have kids. It's hard for women to conceive when she's overweight, but men don't have the same problem. After much weeping, Ed and Heba come to the same conclusion. Heba stays.

Ed talks about how wonderful Heba is, how proud of her, etc. He's done pretty well on his own -- he's lost 85 pounds. Go, Ed!