'The Biggest Loser' recap: Christmas Comes Early

biggest-loser-sami-dolvett-bob.jpgPreviously: The show tried to make us like Kim a lot, in the absence of anyone else likeable. Buddy got a one-pound advantage in a slingshot challenge, while Conda got a one-pound disadvantage. And it was makeover week! Featuring Michelle Obama! The contestants debuted their new looks at the White House, with their family members in attendance. We saw a lot of Michelle Obama's calves, which are quite skinny.

So, White House! Wouldn't it be weird to have that be your actual HOUSE? Oy, the dusting you'd have to do. The contestants think about the history of the White House, and how William Taft got stuck in his bathtub, and how it could have been them had they not gone on The Biggest Loser just in time. And then Michelle Obama arrives! She is so fly, as you already know. She claims to be a big fan of the show, because the contestants inspire many Americans. The First Lady is blown away at the progress that the Losers have made. She hugs Chris, congratulates her for her weight loss, and turns her into a Democrat. Conda's daughter, Brooklyn, makes a bid to be adopted by the Obamas. You can't really blame her. Michelle Obama towers over Jeremy, and upon learning that he's lost 129 pounds jokes, "Is that all?" He worries that he'll be tackled by the Secret Service, likely because he's thinking of copping a feel.

Mark is impressed at how well the First Lady seems to know the contestants, which is a sign that she really does follow the show. Ms. Obama says that she watches the show on Tuesday nights when she works out, and is always inspired to increase her incline. First Ladies: They're just like us! Well, actually I sit on the couch and eat Girl Scout Cookies whilst watching this show. But, you know, the same sentiment is there. Kim's son gives a really touching testimonial about how great she is, and how they've always believed in her, and Michelle Obama co-signs. She tells Kim that she deserves everything that life has to offer her, because there's so much more to come. Awww, even the First Lady knows that Kim is an emotional wreck. She gets a little Hillary-esque as she tries to wrap up what is fast becoming an awkward encounter by grabbing Kim's hands and going, "Yay for you!" Being a first lady is hard sometimes.

Michelle Obama wants to talk to the contestants about her Let's Move initiative, which is designed to address the childhood obesity epidemic. Kids are fat, yo. Tell them to go outside and run around, or do whatever Michelle Obama tells you to do. That is basically, "Don't be so fat, yourself." Follow these instructions, and maybe you will one day get a First Lady hug, too! Oh my God, and then Bob tells everyone to go put on their workout gear, because they're going to be WORKING OUT WITH THE FIRST LADY. I die. The moral of this show is that Michelle Obama is awesome. I would send every one of the remaining contestants home if it meant we could just watch "Michelle Obama's Oval Office Shred" for two hours every Tuesday.