'The Biggest Loser' recap: Hot and Sour

biggest-loser-sami-dolvett-bob.jpgPreviously: Teams! Split! The Red Team was on a train bound to nowhere, and did not know when to fold 'em. And somewhere in the darkness, Mike broke even, and in his final words we found... well, really we found that he just has lots of issues.

And now here we are in the present, and Joe is having a really hard time being away from his fiancé and kids. He cries and mutters a bunch, and it's quite difficult to understand him but the gist of things is that he's sad. What might cheer him up is a temptation challenge! Featuring Chinese food! It is a motherchucking BUFFET, people. Sami explains that this week the show is taking on the excuse of, "I don't have time to eat healthy." The ability to get take-out four nights a week is a critical component of the American dream that I firmly stand behind. I don't have time to eat healthy because I need to watch all the episodes of Real Housewives that are clogging up my DVR! Stop judging me, Sami. Sometimes I even WALK to the Indian place, though that entails getting an extra pakora or two for strength on the walk back. Meanwhile, Jeremy is making bedroom eyes at the crab Rangoon. Sami announces that there are 41,000 Chinese restaurants in the United States, which is more than McDonalds, Wendy's and Burger King combined. She is being so racist right now!

So, it turns out that this is face-off week. Is this a regular thing? To be honest, the past twelve seasons of this show are all a big blur to me. Anyway, each member of the Red Team will face off against one member of the Black Team at the weigh-in. Whoever wins each face-off will get one point, and the team with the most points wins the weigh-in. The winner of the temptation challenge will get to arrange the face-off pairings, and also get a two-pound advantage just for kicks. But wait, there's more! The two-pound advantage can go to someone else, or even be split. Each team gets five minutes alone with the Chinese buffet, and whoever has eaten the most calories wins. Wait, but there's more! If no one eats, or two people eat the same amount of calories, no one will get the two-pound advantage and the contestants will automatically have to go up against their loved ones on the opposing team. Well, pass the chicken wings, I guess.

The Red Team first has a tête-à-tête with the buffet. They are of different minds as to whether they should eat some calories or not, but end up eating nothing. The Black Team then takes a turn at the buffet, and they also debate whether they should eat or not eat. Eventually they determine that someone should eat a fortune cookie, but no one wants to do it. Cassandra finally says that she'll eat it, but has second thoughts when she realizes that she'll then have to determine the face-off pairings. Finally, she manages to eat a whole TWO fortune cookies. Since she was the only person who ate, she wins the challenge. At 60 calories, it's a pretty good deal in all. The Red Team is extremely self-righteous about the whole thing, which makes me want to chuck some egg rolls at them. Cassandra announces the face-off pairings: Roy and Emily, Lauren and Jeremy, Nancy and Joe, Kim and Chism, Mark and Chris, Buddy and Megan, Kimmy and Gail, and Condra and Cassandra.