'The Biggest Loser' recap: Occupy Biggest Loser

biggest-loser-sami-dolvett-bob.jpgPreviously: The journey of a lifetime! Excuses! Diabetes! Vacation! Michelle Obama! Now it's week sixteen, and we've made it to the final five. And some **** is about to go down! Believe it!

We begin the show with a cryptic caption reading "8:30 AM." Oh, I guess that's actually not that cryptic. Whatever, it's kind of early! THE GYM IS DARK. THE PLAYGROUND IS EMPTY. THE POOL IS ABANDONED. THE RANDOM GIANT TRUCK TIRE AND MALLET IN A FIELD SOMEWHERE ARE OMINOUSLY UNATTENDED. We then break the fourth wall and see the camera crew trying to find the Losers, who are apparently not in their rooms and/or are trying to avoid being filmed. They catch Kim crying in the bathroom, and she immediately shuts the door. We learn through cameraperson chatter that not only is Kim not mic'd, but NOBODY is mic'd. There is word that Buddy and Mark have gone down to the kitchen, but we only catch a glimpse of Mark saying, "Please don't follow me with the camera in there, OK?" We then hear these fateful words from a member of the crew: "They say they wanna quit." OH MY GOD, QUIT! Let's end it all now! The whole series! Yes, you've got the golden ticket! And not like Britney Spears thought she did that first time that she got ill-advisedly preggo by Kevin Federline!

We see a few shots of what looks like contestants packing, and then supervising producer Joel Relampagos walks through the house. He goes to see Bob, who is getting his makeup done and brushing his teeth, and tells him that in the next episode, they are scheduled to bring in past contestants and give one of them the chance to get back into the game. The current contestants got wind of it, and they are all saying that they want to quit. Bob is basically like, "Have they ever SEEN the show?" He doesn't think it makes any sense. And for real, you signed away your life to be on a reality show. It is their job to find ways to **** around with you. Deal with it, you lame-os. Although on the other hand, if it was this walk-off that has led to this show being a blissful one hour for the past few weeks, then bravo, lame-os!