'The Biggest Loser' recap: Train Wreck

biggest-loser-12-finale.jpgIt's the Biggest Loser finale! With host Allison "Sami" Sweeney! Isn't she, like, totally your favorite part of the show now? Other than Dolvett's abs? Sami promises that there are some surprises in store for us tonight. One is that the show's new theme song has been written by inexplicable Grammy-winners Train. And they are here to perform the song, despite the fact that the ******* lead singer hasn't been able to find his comb or shampoo for the last three weeks. Seriously, what is his problem? You're on national TV! The only way this is excusable is if this is his "rock bottom" and he's heading to rehab tomorrow. The song is about as ****ty as you'd expect, I'm sorry to say. Train plus inspirational stories equals nuclear holocaust.

It's then time for a montage of the season's events. Three trainers, battle of the ages, sad people, death's door, inspirational moments, etc. The players altogether lost over 1,500 pounds, which is pretty crazy. They lost, like, the equivalent of a whole elementary school. And tonight it's down to the final three! There's NFL star Antone, flesh robe wearer John and lovestruck marathon champion Ramon. Sami totally punks us by asking if we want to see them, and then revealing only their silhouettes behind some screens. CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT? No, me neither.

After a break, it's time for Sami to have a tête-à-tête with our three trainers, Anna, Dolvett and Bob. They're all so hot -- it's not even right. Dolvett and his pocket square feel like a million bucks tonight, and Sami asks them if they had a clue how excited and crazy the live studio audience would be. They had maybe one or two clues, in the form of flashing lights instructing the audience to clap like insane people. Sami asks Anna how the contestants are feeling right now. What, she's a clairvoyant? Ask Anna why she's not coming back next season! Anna basically wants to get the show on the road so she can go back into retirement. Sami asks Bob to tell the audience what they're in store for tonight, and Bob says that everybody is going to FREAK OUT. Wouldn't it be great if some horrible audience member really did have an episode of some sort and they had to stop the proceedings?