'The Hills': When the cat's away...

Stephaniepratt_hills_s4_240_001 Last time on The Hills, Audrina and Lo were on the outs but Audrina and Lauren were kind-of friends again. Lauren was dating Doug, the World's Most Boring Dude, and Brodie was telling Lauren not to trust Stephanie Pratt.

Lauren packs for a trip to Italy and Lo says they (Audrina and Lo) are gonna kick it without Lauren, while Audrina looks like she wants to stab herself with a fork. Why is Lauren going to Italy? Did I miss an episode? Is she just jetting off to Italy for no reason? I am very rarely jealous of these ladies, but right now... lil' bit.

Stephanie arrives at Lo and Audrina's (is this part of the "kicking it" Lo was talking about?). She chats with Audrina about how Doug asked her out. Audrina tells her to wait until Lauren gets back and just give her a heads up. YES! That is what FRIENDS do. (I may or may not have been the Lauren Conrad in this situation and you should give your friend a HEADS UP.) Stephanie wonders how Lauren would find out about the date and Audrina advises her to be careful. Yes! Audrina FTW! It's not the date that is the problem, it's the doing it behind your back without so much as a word. Harumph.

Meanwhile, Heidi chats with Kimberly at Bolthouse. They are setting up an event that calls for skate ramps. Uhh, okay. Heidi is bringing Spencer and says they're in a rut of only seeing each other. Hmm... it could be that. Or it could be that he's a crazy psycho abuser who is systematically cutting you off from your friends, Heidi. Could go either way.

Audrina and Lo get lunch. Apparently these two are just all buddy-buddy now? I cannot keep up with these girls. Lo asks about faux K-Fed and Audrina says he apologized and she got over it. I guess that's surprisingly mature, as long as it doesn't become a pattern. AUdrina then fills Lo in about the Stephanie-Doug Date Debacle and Lo is flabbergasted. Audrina says that's a no-no, which is kind of true, and they wonder why Stephanie would want sloppy seconds. Snerk.

That night at Goa, new BFFs Audrina and Lo hang out and then "randomly" Spencer and Heidi show up. Heidi says hi to Audrina and Lo looks like she wants to stab herself with a fork (this look is a recurring theme this episode). Heidi cannot believe about Doug and Stephanie either, then invites AUdrina and Lo to the Bolthouse X-Games Party. That explains the skate ramp, I guess.

Heidi and Spencer's House of Abuse: Stephanie stops by and Spencer says "the wind blew something in" and then demands to know what she's doing there. Wow. That's your SISTER, you jackass. He tells her LC is going to freak out if Steph has dinner with Doug. He warns her to be afraid that this will cause LC to clip Steph out of her posse.

X-Games Party: faux K-Fed is on Audrina's arm as they join Spencer and Heidi. Spencer obviously has some faux K-Fed hero-worship going on because he practically jumps in faux K-Fed's lap the minute he sits down. Audrina and Heidi rehash the Doug-Steph thing and Heidi says "praise Jesus" she doesn't have to get involved in that drama. Do people who might actually be the Devil get to say "praise Jesus?" Weird.

The Stephanie-Doug Date: Stephanie shows up in what may be a red negligee. She has paired it with a chunky beaded necklace. Hot. She immediately brings up Brody, the guy who hates her and makes her cry. Wow. Way to lead off with that, Steph. They move on to how she didn't tell Lauren about the date, and then Doug asks what she's doing afterwards and gives her total "booty call" eyes.

Suddenly, Brody's mom is there in the restaurant and OH DEAR GOD! MY EYES, MY EYES! My friend Maggie who saw this before me IMd me to comment about how scary Brody's mom's botox was, but it did not PREPARE ME. She looks like Jennifer Coolidge! If I were her dining companions, I'd worry about her lips exploding all over my dinner. BOO-GAH! [shiver]. After she leaves, Doug and Steph look worried. Well, if you'd told your damn friend in the damn first place... it wouldn't be a problem!

Chiara and Audrina have coffee at work and Audrina spills the Doug-Stephanie beans AGAIN. How many different people can we watch talk about this? WE GET IT! It's shady and Stephanie should have asked. WE GET IT!

Lauren gets home from Italy and conspicuously has on a tank top with no bra underneath. Put those tic-tacs away, sweetcheeks. Lauren compares Italy to a construction site, saying the men whistle and hollar at you everywhere you go. Nice. They fill Lauren in on Audrina and faux K-Fed hanging out with Heidi and Spencer and Lauren now takes a turn with the stab-myself-with-a-fork look.

They then drop the Doug-Steph possible date bombshell, saying they think Doug is trying to make Lauren jealous. They say they told Steph not to get involved and Lauren looks irritated.

That night Lauren and Brody go out to dinner and he fills her in on the date, saying Doug called it a "business dinner" but that his mom totally busted them. Brody calls it "ironic," which is a nice Alanis-use of the word. He says as far as Doug goes that "guys will be guys" but that Stephanie is supposed to be one of her best friends. Nice. Because it's only the girl's fault. Lauren gets her second stab-myself-with-a-fork look as the credits roll.