'The Neighbors' Season 2 premiere: Magnetic love and orchid babies in 'Family Conference'

the-neighbors-season-2-premiere-recap-family-conference-abc.jpgI will never understand why the world does not embrace "The Neighbors" as one of the funniest shows on television. The Season 2 premiere, "Family Conference," for example, has far more and far cleverer laughs than almost anything on television.

Also, you can watch it with very old or very young relatives and not be embarrassed. That's a big win.

Whatever the bizarre reasons are that not everyone loves "The Neighbors," at least we can say that those fools are missing out on greatness yet again in Season 2. "Family Conference" makes that very clear.

The basics

Amber and Reggie Jackson have managed to keep their "Romeo and Juliet"-esque romance a secret all summer. Alas, this comes crashing to the ground when their parents see them and scream a lot.

So of course the aliens need to have a family conference in order to vote on Amber and Reggie's relationship status. It's only logical. A short trip past some lasers and the nuclear missile silo, and the two families are in the conference room/war room.

The debating begins, helped along mightily by the presence of a virtual Jerry Springer. He's there because ... Um ... You don't really need a reason, right? Just go with it being funny.

A great deal of drama gets hashed out across the shiny white table. It involves Diet Dr. Pepper and orchids and intergalactic soulmates and chick flicks. In the end, however, it's little ** who ends the debate by pointing out that Reggie makes Amber smile so much you can see that she has teeth.

It's almost too bad that Larry Bird has already summoned Reggie's soulmate. She's a beautiful and dimpled blonde thing that Reggie names Jane. Amber doesn't like this but at least gets a target at which to vent her hostility.

But will Amber and Reggie be able to hold out against the magnetic (literally) force of Jane?

Oh, and the aliens have no money after Larry's daddy cut them off. Stupid George Takei!

In their words ...

"I'm like Carrot Top and -- I never thought I'd say this -- even funnier." - Larry Bird

"We thought 'Smash' was going to last forever!" - Jackie Joyner Kersey
"Not even a pity-move to Fridays ..." - Larry Bird

"I keep imagining my daughter touching tongues with that gecko who sells car insurance." - Marty

"You are a man. You are never going to understand 'Terms of Endearment' properly." - Debbie

"I just want him to love me much, much more than anyone else. Is that too much to ask?" - Jackie

"Oh God, do you know what that is?" - Reggie Jackson
"A clown from the 1920s?" - Amber

"She's like dial-up Internet. I mean, it takes four hours for her to get to the point. And even then it sounds like [Internet connection noises]." - Amber

"You know the old saying: 'Happy wife, happy life ... No need to use a knife.'" - Larry Bird

"We don't have an underground tunnel!" - Marty
"It's not next to your nuclear missile silo?" - Reggie Jackson

"Welcome to the conference room! Just a little thing we put together for conferences and wars." - Larry Bird

"As the old saying goes: 'When the wife remains happy, the knife can stay in the drawer.'" - Larry Bird

"When you were a baby, you used to let me touch you all day long." - Debbie
"I was a baby! What other options did I have?" - Amber

"We are mostly plant-based." - Larry Bird

"Let's just say I wanted to pick up a couple of extra dollars ... What do you think I'd get for Dick on the open market?" - Larry Bird

"Mom, you're really close all of the sudden ..." - Amber

"We're going to be together forever! Just us, a little house and 2.5 lizards ... or orchids." - Reggie

"You have to stop talking about us like we're in 'The Notebook,' okay? I'm not ready to use words like 'forever' or 'lizards' yet." - Amber

"Hey, I heard an 'Oh no you didn't!'" - Jerry Springer

"I'm Jane. I'm here to claim Reggie Jackson for all of time. And you are?" - Jane

"How many spaceships have to land in New Jersey before someone intervenes?!" - Debbie

"The woman's an enigma wrapped in a grouchy, adorable riddle!" - Reggie

"Could we move this along? 'Shark Tank' starts in four minutes." - Larry

"What's wrong with you? Are you an idiot? I married an idiot!" - Larry

Photo/Video credit: ABC