'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: A Crazy-A** Merry-Go-Round

new-jersey-2011-.jpgWe return with Teresa telling Caroline to take her own advice. Caroline says she should have taken her own advice from two years ago to remove Teresa from her life. Andy's all, "Awwwwkward, moving on!" He broaches the subject of what a pubescent hornball Joe Gorga is. We learn that Joe wants it at least once a day, preferably twice, but he doesn't "get it" every day. And this is supposed to make things less awkward? Andy asks who gets more sex, her or Melissa? Oh my god, my ears are bleeding. Teresa speaks for all of us when she says, "I don't want to know what they do in their bedroom."

Andy begins to throw to a package all about sex in Jersey by saying, "Before this goes too far..." Two comments: 1.) Before? and 2.) Sorry for using the word "package"; it's a technical term! This foray into suburban kink offers a nice segue into Joe's predilection for the lady clothes. Melissa says she's not worried, to which Andy offers, "He looks good in a dress." Caroline sneaks in, "I've seen him in a bikini." She doesn't specify when or where, but Teresa confirms that there's a childhood photo of him dressed up as a girl. Melissa says, like it's nothing, that it was standard for Joe to dress up as a ladyboy for Halloween before he met her. I just... can't. We'd be here all night...

Andy addresses rumors that Melissa may have swum "in the lady pond." Melissa denies that they have an open relationship, saying they're both too possessive. Believable. She says one of her former high school friends was a lesbian and wrote an article about their alleged dalliance together. Melissa denies it.