'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: A Whirlwind of Stupid

new-jersey-2011-.jpgWell, it was certainly a tempestuous season, but who ever could have seen how intensely the other Housewives' would turn against Teresa. Oh wait. Everyone.

Andy welcomes the Housewives to the Count Basie Theatre in Red Bank, New Jersey. As he goes down the line, he asks if Kathy brought any desserts. Alas, no. Probably for the best since no table is safe around Teresa, and no one likes to waste good cannoli. Andy notes that Melissa feels "On Display" (wah-waaaaaah) and reveals that Caroline threatened to wear pajamas. He wastes no time pointing out that Jacqueline didn't show and asks what happened. Caroline explains that (conveniently?) they had incident filming the night before that left Jacqueline feeling betrayed and hurt. Says Caroline, "She just couldn't come here today and... look at Teresa." Andy's brows go a-bobbin', and he asks Teresa, "Is that right?" Teresa says Jacqueline started something and should have finished it. Caroline says they'll discuss it. Teresa: "Bring it on, baby."

Teresa implies the situation is laughable, which Caroline counters by saying Jacqueline is crying. Never one to be one-upped, Teresa claims she was crying for two days after Jacqueline and Caroline attacked her. Over what, we still don't know. It seems Andy doesn't either (or he's a really good actor). Teresa seeks cover in the fact that they can't discuss what's happening because it's set to air on the next season. Andy brings up something presently known: A blog post from Jacqueline questioning Teresa's loyalty. Teresa insists she has no idea what the post is about and says Andy will have to ask Jacqueline what she means. How convenient that Jacqueline isn't there!

Seeing he's going to get nothing more from this conversation, Andy notes that a lot has happened since the taping of the finale, then moves back to season three. An ongoing theme has been "Loyalty." For Teresa, this apparently means "Hate those people I tell you to hate and stand by me even when I trash you and your family publicly." When pushed about all the **** she was talking about her friends and family, Teresa takes refuge in the technicalities like how she didn't explicitly name Melissa. She says Andy's writing a book, so he must know what she's going through. Andy: "Well I'm not gonna write about my sister-in-law." About the Caroline-related comments, she dismissively says in Italian, " Cento percento Italiano" ("I'm 100% Italian") and sticks to her claim that her comments about Chris's stripper car wash were a joke. She makes a point of looking in Caroline's eyes and insisting she didn't mean anything by her remarks. All the while, her eyes are blazing with defensiveness and fury. She's giving Ramona a run for her money in crazy eyes-ness. Caroline calls her "terrifying," and Kathy basically says, "You hurt someone's feelings. Stop being a bitch about it and apologize already." But that's far too much to ask from Teresa, obviously. She has come in prepared for war, and she's going to fight.