'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Five Guys Named Joe

new-jersey-2011-.jpgLast season: Harsh words were thrown about, including "coke w****," "b****," and "garbage." Andy Cohen himself was thrown about, which was awesome. Weaves were ripped out of their very tracks. The Manzo kids were all sorts of lovable, while Jacqueline's daughter Ashley was an entitled, violent brat. Despite financial troubles, Teresa and her bulldog of a husband Joe took their motley crew with the Manzos and Lauritas to Italy, where they promptly shopped at... Chanel? And Caroline said presciently, "You better buckle up." It was as useful advice then as it I'm sure it will be now.

Credits. Caroline's new motto is, "Life is about change, and sometimes you just have to roll with the punches." Teresa tells us, "I'm a Jersey Girl. No one can knock me down." Because she'll knock a bitch down first. Melissa, one of the new ladies, says, "I live a life that most girls only dream of." And she wears a dress from my nightmares. It's like a pageant queen and a hooker mated. Jacqueline insists, "I can hold my own. I am my own person." And the other newbie Kathy warns, "People say I'm sweet, but I'm tough, so don't cross me."

We're greeted by the familiar strains of the "Papa Loves Mambo" knock-off that has become the show's theme as Teresa and Bulldog Joe arrive at The Manor for the christening of her little brother's son, Giuseppe "Joey" Gorga. Why yes, that is an airbrushed photo of the baby in a powder blue track suit with matching hat. Teresa's Cro-Magnon brother, also named Joe, makes a toast to his son, also named Joe. It's their Big Fat Italian Christening -- they've spent so much money on ice sculptures they can't afford new names. Teresa's cousin Kathy -- New Girl #1 -- and her husband toast to another christening in a year and Cro-Magnon Joe's wife Melissa -- New Girl #2 -- promises that this is her last child. Teresa says euphemistically, "Melissa's my sister-in-law, and we're not exactly best friends. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles."