'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Freudian Trip

new-jersey-2011-.jpgPreviously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Jacqueline grilled Teresa about how she can be building an apartment-garage while still being in bankruptcy, and Teresa was not amused. In related news, Caroline and Jacqueline now fully hate Teresa. In related-related news, Teresa agreed to go to therapy with Joe Gorga and tried to make nice with the rest of her family now that her Manzo friends have abandoned her. And we all recognized that without Teresa, no one on this show would have anything to talk about.

We enter at Casa Giudice, with its guardian wolves and new garage-esque structure. A cement-mixey-thing whirs or whatever, and it turns out that to save labor costs Joe has gone non-union and hired three of his daughters to help with the project. They are apparently paid in matching overalls and pink work boots. Joe's brother Pete is also on hand, and maybe is a twin. The thought of more Y Giudice chromosomes out in the world is truly terrifying, no? Teresa explains that Joe is not only building a garage, but stuccoing it. This is going to end with Milania cementing herself into the wall and haunting the house's inhabitants for eternity, isn't it? Gia tells Milania that she's not very smart at stuccoing, and Milania in turn threatens to throw her stuccoing tool at Gia. Milania soon gets fired, which I think is best for everyone, and stomps off to see the human resource wolf.

Teresa says to Joe, and us, that she doesn't know where Jacqueline got the idea that they're building an apartment. She notes that Jacqueline really likes gossip and getting in other people's business. Saint Teresa, however, would never pry into the affairs of others or, for example, spread the information that Jacqueline and Chris also went through bankruptcy. Oh, wait. Teresa's still sad about the ending of her friendship with Jacqueline, though Juicy Joe takes more of a "So what? Who cares?" approach, per usual. With her surrogate family out of her life, Teresa has decided to try to make amends with her biological family, and has agreed to go to therapy with her brother Joe. If it doesn't work, she wants a refund. Well, I want a refund of life hours that I've spent watching Teresa say stupid ****, so let's all figure out how to file a claim. I think we've got the potential for a solid class action suit.

In yet another charming development, Juicy makes a stucco vagina. Rosie arrives, and Juicy notes that she'd like said stucco vagina. And I mean, who wouldn't? Maybe I can hire him to make a stucco vagina installation for my apartment! Or better yet, my office! One of the kids yells out, "Who's Rosie?" because obviously Teresa hasn't given a **** about Rosie for years. But then we are reminded that Rosie was charged with kid wrangling at the Jersey Shore, which permanently stopped any remaining ticks of ye olde biological clock. Rosie sits down with Teresa, who is wearing a headband that pushes the top of her hair up in exactly the shape of ass cheeks (or maybe that's my stucco vagina talking?), and says that they may have been all lovey dovey at Melissa's remix party, but she hears and reads negative **** about Kathy in the tabloids, and does not enjoy it. Teresa assures Rosie that tabloids are bull****, and Rosie wants Teresa to release some sort of official statement to clear Kathy's name. Teresa says that she doesn't have a computer in her head and doesn't store things in her brain. Well, that's an understatement. She digs back through her non-brain storage to note that she's seen tabloid articles where Kathy trashes her. Rosie has emphatically had enough with the tabloids. Teresa pretends that she too has had enough with the tabloids, but I think we all know that's not strictly true.