'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Long Live the Matriarchy

teresa-guidice-rhonj-s2-320.jpgIt's Monday night, which means you should have tucked the kids in their pink leopard print beds, read them the story of how Chanel was really invented by an Italian, turned off the lights, and poured yourself the first of hopefully many glasses of red wine and Diet Coke. Ask your husband to hand you the remote so you don't chip your burgundy-colored manicured nails with the little diamond on the middle finger (so you can flash the American eagle with style when someone cuts you off in your Range Rover), because money can't buy you class, but it can buy you a diamond the size of a garlic knot. Then lock your husband in his wood-paneled basement with a bottle of Barolo and some dirty pics of JWoww, because it's time for the season finale of " The Real Housewives of New Jersey"!

Teresa and Joe have invited the many and sundry Manzos over to break bread and help promote Teresa's entrepreneurial venture, namely, shilling Skinny Italian products and stepping all over Bethenny Frankel's business model. Although, I don't think Bethenny would ask her friends to pair bellinis with their pasta. You can't really fault Teresa, though. She has to earn some money to keep her girls in leopard print jeggings and buy a replacement vase for the living room after Jacqueline's mother mistook it for a linebacker and took it out.

The enlarged family sits down to their last supper (we're assuming an FBI SWAT team is going to swoop in and take Joe out at any minute) and talk, naturally, turns to Ashley's impending court case. Jacqueline looks slightly saddened as she reports that the dozen white doves of peace she sent over to Danielle's house were not appreciated and the emissary she sent to beg for clemency for Ashley was splattered with hot glue, beadazzled, vajazzled, and returned home with NO written on her forehead in glitter glue. Jacqueline is shocked that Danielle, a woman she once claimed as maybe someday having possible friend potential, would press charges against her innocent teenaged baby whose only real crime was being stupid enough to pull someone's hair on camera.

Shaving enthusiast and elder statesman, Caroline, clucks at the poor manners on Danielle. Clearly, if she wants to be accepted as part of the group and wants to earn access to the Best Panini (Panini!) in the World, she will have to drop the charges against Ashley. Perhaps it is time for Caroline to step down from Mt. Olympus (that's what she calls her 4-bedroom colonial with stone patio, weight room, and three-car garage) and engage with the enemy. And by that she means, invite her to lunch to berate her publicly. It worked so well when Dina tried it ...

Photo credit: Bravo