'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: The Grapes of Wrath

new-jersey-2011-.jpgPreviously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Everyone was getting along and stuff, except for the fact that everyone still secretly (or not so secretly) hates Teresa, especially Caroline. And may I point out to you that this is episode SIXTEEN. Sixteen! With no end in sight. Oh, help.

We enter in Russian River Valley, California. Juicy and Teresa pose for a photo, and Melissa criticizes Juicy for his inability to smile good. It's the physical manifestation of his festering soul! It turns out that Teresa's version of "say cheese" is "Do you wanna bang me in the ass?" This is a bit much even for Melissa Gorga, and Juicy's deadpan answer is, "No." She then asks if he wants to put his finger up her ass. Still no smile. Teresa tells us that if Juicy doesn't get hanky panky (FROM HIS MISTRESS) at least once a day, he gets very cranky. I think I am going to end every paragraph of this recap with the words, "Oh, help." If I don't, know that it's implied.

Elsewhere, Rich drives the RV. With Juicy's finger up his ass! Vito punches him while he's driving, and Richie says he might swerve off a cliff. OH MY GOD, DO IT! But not before hitting the Gorga/Giudice van and taking it off the cliff with you! In the Manzo vanzo, everyone talks about how Rich is annoying and the Gorgas are fun. Jacqueline says that it's so great that everyone is friends now, which gives Caroline the opening to sternly ask what happened between Jacqueline and Teresa last night. In the Gorga/Giudice van, Teresa and Melissa are going over the same topic. Teresa says that Jacqueline made a big deal out of the magazine stories, when really whatever issues they brought forth are between Teresa and Juicy and not anybody else's business. Melissa points out that when you're willingly on the cover of a tabloid, you really can't make a claim to privacy. She adds that that the ladies are also pissed that Teresa is badmouthing them in the magazines, and Teresa is like, "Why cry over spilt ingredientses?" Melissa suggests that Teresa stop talking **** about other people in articles, and Teresa can't even muster up a nod. Still, Melissa has hopes that Teresa truly wants to repair their relationship, and sees their relationship only going up from here. Melissa asks how things ended with Jacqueline, and Teresa says that they hugged it out and now maybe their relationship will be even stronger. Have I mentioned that Teresa is wearing perhaps the most heinous American flag shirt (featuring what I think is a mini mock turtleneck) that I have ever seen? How can you possibly trust someone wearing that shirt? Teresa says that now that she and Jacqueline have cleared the air, she feels complete. Back in the Manzo vanzo, Jacqueline says that she's just not going to get that deep with Teresa, and it's cool. Lauren says that if Jacqueline has come to an understanding with Teresa, that's great, but she personally has no desire to be associated with the morally corrupt Teresa Giudice. She urges Jacqueline not to lose sight of the fact that Teresa is a bitter, jealous person with a heart made of bird poo. Jacqueline knows that the Manzos are dunzo with Teresa, but their friendship with her was never as strong as Jacqueline's. When you're friends with somebody, she says, you don't just shut it off. The menfolk get into the conversation, and Chris asks what the endgame is here. Jacqueline says she wants a casual relationship with Teresa, and Chris is like, "Great. Done." Throughout, Caroline scowls some more.

Oh God, and then cut to Teresa screaming, "Hon, I wanna do you in one of these vineyards!" Joe Gorga offers to pull over so they can get out and befoul the precious grapes, while Melissa offers to take video, saying, "Since you're such a media whore, that will really put you out there. There's nothing like a sex tape to get your career going!" Teresa rightly points out that that wasn't a very nice thing to say. See, I think that Teresa's evil ways are mostly a manifestation of her being too dumb to actually have full consciousness as a human being, but Melissa is just straight-up shady.