'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: "You & Your Hat: Shut Up."
Everybody geared up for the gay wedding of one of Caroline's one million imaginary siblings. Everybody was weird about gay stuff except for this gross straight chick, who was awfully comfortable with Rosie's sexuality, which was awfully uncomfortable for just everybody else. Caroline enjoyed finding more things to be sanctimonious about, while Teresa was more than happy to provide everybody with more reasons to hate her, because she is really just the stupider version of Danielle and always has been. Milania's success as the poster child for Future Serial Killers Of North America caused Gia to act like a normal kid; Jackie tried to read her a book, which offended Teresa because she doesn't want her children around books.
Jackie: "Chris, what are you going to wear?"
Chris: "I was thinking clothes."
Jackie: "That checks out. Hey, what are you reading?"
Chris: "Just this magazine. Oh, which coincidentally has a picture of Teresa on the cover talking about her financial troubles and hugging a random dog."
Jackie: "That's so funny because Teresa hates dogs. She thinks they're talking down to her."
Teresa, Terrified: "Oh my Gawd, is that a dog?"
Helpful Child: "No, Teresa. That is a shrub. It's okay."
HOTEL ROOMS: JACKIE & CAROLINE
Jackie: "It is harder and harder to act sympathetic about Teresa, because I am basically a normal person and she is the Tasmanian Devil. But I will continue to fake my way through."
Chris: "My favorite part of this article is how it mentions Caroline. How she endlessly bullies Teresa, who endlessly makes sure she will bully her."
Jackie: "Yeah, this day just got a ****load more awesome."
Greg: "I need some toothpaste and a magazine. And for somebody to explain why I'm here."
Lauren: "I just need like a hug."
Caroline: "You'll get a hug when you stop being a girl, you fat monster."
(Lauren's brothers roll around in the remains of a dead animal they have found.)
Caroline: "Why can't you be more like your brothers? Why don't you have a gay dude you take everywhere for mysterious reasons? Or alcoholism?"
Lauren: "I am working on it."
Greg: "Caroline, I just brought you this magazine so you'll have something to bitch about."
Caroline: "That's why you're the daughter I never had."