'The River' recap: Up The Creek

the-river-cast-abc.jpgIn some unnecessary flashbacks, we get to see what everybody was doing before the mission began, and it's... Pretty much what they said was going on. Well, Lena had some kind of grand mal seizure at the REI where she was working, which is when she suddenly knew that she needed to remote-activate the beacon because Cole was alive (which contradicts the last three episodes, but whatever) -- and maybe more interestingly, Kurt's little girlfriend he's always Sprechening with on that sat-phone is just that: His girlfriend. Fiancee, in fact.

And not only do they enjoy being sexy and Germanic together, but they are also both in on the plot to destroy anybody finding out about the Source or whatever was going on in that Dharma compound we found last week. And as if the cold-blooded murder of scientists weren't dear enough, they're also very much in love and getting married. Why, that almost makes me not care about the fact that they are murdering thugs and so evangelically opposed to... Whatever is going on.

What that is, exactly, is a lot of pseudoscientific hoohah, but apparently the Dharmas were operating on the secret angel people -- some of whom have wings of bone, some of whom have Lena's birthmark -- in order to synthesize their immortality mutation into a retrovirus that can cure cancer.

Yeah, you heard me. I left out no words, nor did I rearrange them into nonsense. That's just actually what this show is about, apparently.