'The X Factor' recap: Saved by...

x-factor-premiere-fox.jpgSteve enters through the Jumbotron doors, which are now projecting the word RESULTS in giant letters. He has to yell, over the din of the crowd and the opera-howlers that someone forgot to turn off, that it's the live results show, which will feature performances by Florence + The Machine and Nicole Scherzinger. And someone's going home tonight, but I suspect it won't be Nicole, alas.

Steve brings out the judges and tells us there's no final showdown, no judges' decisions, just the results of the votes. And this plus two songs is going to kill an entire hour? Steve informs us that there were 30 million votes last night, which I admit is a lot, especially given that none of them were mine, and then yields the stage to the final four. They perform the updated version of Tears for Fears' "Shout," much to Josh's apparent embarrassment. Perhaps making them repeatedly sing the line "these are the things I can do without" is a way of preparing whoever's done tonight.

The judges all give them a standing ovation, like it matters. Steve reminds us that that one of the four will win a five million dollar contract, and I could be next, what with the auditions for the second season coming up next year. You know, actually? I'm good.

After the ads, we get the usual recap of last night's performances and comments, as well as interjections from each singer's (and Chris's) supporters back home, coming to us via forty-dollar webcams. Given how predictable the reactions back home are, they may have overspent.