'Top Chef Just Desserts' recap: 'The Red Hots are for My Mommy!'

top-chef-just-desserts-320.jpg "Top Chef: Just Desserts": And we're back! Unfortunately we're still at the point in the competition where we have no idea who any of these freakin' people are, nor do we care about them or like any of them. However, we do like how they have five boxes of Kashi Go Lean cereal in the cheftestants' house, but have blacked out the Kashi brand name. Like, you can only eat Kashi brand cereals, but Kashi brand cereals did not pay us our required fee, so we will assign an intern to black out the brand name on each and every cereal box. As if there is any other Go Lean Crunch cereal on the market.

Here's our other question: What city are they in? Did they mention this and we missed it? Whatever city it is, clearly the city council did not raise the requisite funds from the citizenry to pay the undoubtedly exorbitant product placement fees required to actually be named on this show. Anyway. Better luck next time, Provo or Albuquerque or San Joaquin! Also, General Mills? We see an opening for your family of products.

The contestants pour into Top Chef kitchen to find their guest judge is Elizabeth Falkner of Citizen Cake, who is third cousins twice removed from William Faulkner (they lost the "U" in a rather messy divorce) thus living up to her self-proclaimed title "The William Faulkner of Baking." (There's a lot of dissonant frosting and textural chocolate in her work). She stands in front of the contestants with her spiky blond hair almost blocking the wall of candy behind her while the pastry chefs ooze compliments at her like they are voting in a junior high yearbook: "She's the coolest," "She's the best pastry chef," "You just want to be her," "Best hair." She's their Heather (the blonde one, obvi), but to win her love they will have to impress her with their ability to make candy into a dessert. We can't help but hear Michael Kors' nasaly voice saying, "They have to make dessert into a dessert! What's the challenge?" We can't answer that question so  we are intrigued by the outcome.

The starting gun rings and the contestants begin their mad dish to make dessert out of dessert and complete the Quick Fire challenge all while looking good for the cameras and dropping out little hints about their dishes and their candy stories. Zac thinks his entire pastry career is based on the fact that he was denied sugar as a child. Gail announces that there are five minutes left, looks around the room for approval, pouts when no one notices, and leaves. Seth, whose Atomic Fire Ball jam was inspired by his mom who is a nuclear physicist (we're making that up) starts weeping and wailing when his passionfruit sorbet refuses to freeze. Everyone sort of stares at him and takes two steps sideways, because what the f*** it's Day Two and it's sorbet. HANDLE IT BETTER. Also, this is a contestant who just five minutes ago was reminding everyone that he is a heterosexual man. Clearly this is not going to get him laid by the ladies anytime soon. Although he does really love his mother, so ...ladies?

Judgment Time: Yigit has made some strawberries and cream out of Twizzlers, which sounds like the nastiest, but Elizabeth pretends is delicious. Heather H. (who won last week's challenge) has made a vanilla panna cotta because someone had to continue the ruse that panna cotta is good, when it so clearly is not. Seriously panna cotta is a vast pastry chef conspiracy rivaled only by the Freemasons for global plots. Tim has made something involving pistachios and lollipops. Morgan made something with Chick-o-Sticks, which is admirable. Malika made Lemon Drop and Pop Rocks parfait ...

Photo credit: Bravo