'True Blood' recap: For You, Monster

true-blood-paquin-moyer-skarsgard.jpgHaha what a horrible episode! What an embarrassing hour of television to find oneself watching. What was your favorite part? I liked when the Porgy & Bess lady flew into outer space because of magic and feelings. That was probably the best part.

Sookie's gunshot wound goes away. Like immediately, during the credits somehow, she gets better. It is cheap and stupid and tells you exactly how dumb the episode is going to be. Alcide and Bill are crying and praying, she's bleeding out, the song plays, and then they're like, "Thank goodness you got better, Sookie." Then she has an annoying dream about a threesome with Bill and Eric, which, this ****ty episode manages to make even that concept super boring somehow.

Also what went away is the Witch War. I guess everybody got bored, or their moms started yelling for them from the porch, but either way it just abruptly ends about five minutes into it. There don't seem to have been noticeable casualties, either, since we see most of the people later in the episode. What a dumb Witch War.

Ghost Mavis takes over Hoyt's/her old house and there's a gun standoff with Jason and Andy, Arlene and Terry, and all of them are annoying and trashy and hysterical and repetitive. Especially Arlene, of course. A few homophobic outbursts later, Jesus comes over and gives her some therapy or something, and they dig her dead baby up out of the ground and she sings to it, the dead baby I mean, and Lafayette glows and the ghost comes out of his head, and they all kiss and hug, and it's so ****ing stupid.