'True Blood' recap: "She Says She's Not A Zombie" ...

true-blood-paquin-moyer-skarsgard.jpgIn which the question becomes, How does my wordy-a** self manage to talk about this episode without just telling you every single thing that happened in an avalanche of breathless crazy talk? And the answer is, there is no way.

Luckily, Sookie does nothing the entire episode but **** the **** out of Eric on every surface of her entire house and most of Bon Temps Louisiana, so that takes her out of the equation. There's one tiny conversation where Eric gets her to admit that maybe she'll be into him when he turns back into a jackass, and then they hope really hard that she'll be able to do it, but other than that it's just **** City. Which is fine too.

The Jesus and Lafayette essentials are, like we thought, that Lala -- like his nutty mommy before him, Marnie and maybe Baby Mike -- is a big medium, whose possession by Tio Luca momentarily gave him the witchy ability to talk you out of dying by rattlesnake bite. Back home, newfound witchdom lets him see Devil Baby Mike's voodoo friend, which: Who is she? I think an ancestor of Rene. There's got to be some kind of antidote to Arlene's "genes are destiny" thing, right?

Astonishingly, it takes all of three seconds for Sam and Luna to figure out Tommy's a Skinwalker, and less time than that for Sam to go all Slicked-Back Sam on his brother and kick him out into the street. Understandable, but trying to strangle your doppelganger -- especially one who loves you more than anything on Earth and has nobody and nothing else -- is not the wisest move.