'True Blood': That's all? Really?

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" True Blood" says goodbye to season three with an episode that's everything the show is not: tame, lame...and frankly, kind of boring.

We pick things up where we very tensely left off two weeks ago, with Russell and Eric in the parking lot of Fangtasia getting ready to meet the sun. In his delirious state, Eric sees a vision of Godric who encourages him to end the hate and forgive Russell for his past transgressions. While Eric is getting toasty outside, Sookie wakes up inside and immediately does two amazing things: slaps Bill and tries to save Eric, using her magic lightning hand powers in the process. She manages to drag Eric back inside and then uses her own blood to help him heal. Bill has to watch all of this transpire, which honestly is all sorts of triangle-y fun.

Also fun? Eric insisting Sookie bring Russell inside to spare him, per Godric's wishes. Since it is daytime, the vamps leave him in her care while they get some shut-eye. Russell offers to kill Eric and Bill and give her his mansion in return for freeing him. Instead, Sookie pours Talbot's urn-guts down the garbage disposal. Ewwwww. And yessssss. Because Alcide is back! Eric called him to help deal with Russell. With Alcide's help, Eric sidesteps his way around Godric's directive, by keeping Russell alive but encasing him in concrete to live in limbo for 100 years. Bill takes advantage of the opportunity and punts Eric into a pit and encases him in concrete, and orchestrates the murder of Pam (by imitating Eric's voice, which I forgot he could do). This would be thrilling, if I thought for one moment the show would actually kill Eric or Pam.

After disposing of Eric, Bill goes to Sookie to explain what he did and why, because he is attempting to protect Sookie by killing any vampire who has tasted her blood and knows about her true nature. It's all very nice and touching until a hilariously concrete-dusted Eric shows up at her doorstep and drops the big bomb: Queen Sophie-Anne hired Bill all along to get close to Sookie and learn what she might be...and also that he paid the Rattrays in his blood to beat her up the night they met. NICE! A genuinely fun callback to something that was never fully explained. A distraught Sookie rescinds Bill's invitation to her house and her life, and kicks a somewhat contrite Eric off her property as well.

Later, Bill lures Sophie-Anne to his house under the guise of Sookie's sweet fairy blood, but really he's there to stage a vampire cage match to the death. Who will win? And will we care? Meanwhile, Sookie cries that she's alone and Claudine shows up to lead her to the fairyland. This episode is...weird. Is Season four going to take place partially in the land of the fae?

Tara and Sam bask in their morning-after glow for a bit, until he explains to Tara that he's a shapeshifter. (So everyone doesn't already know about Sam? Sometimes I get the books and television show storylines confused, I admit.) Tara gets melodramatic about it, because That's What She Does. Later, Sam notices that Tommy ran off with his money. So he chases him down, and maybe kills him. Because all of a sudden Sam is a cold-blooded killer. Whatever, show.

Jason's V/Hotshot storyline rears its ugly head again, when he learns the town is being raided. He and Crystal go to warn them, and the sheer ridiculousness of this entire thing is almost insulting. I hate to be all "the books are better" as I think the books and the show do their respective things differently but competently, but in the case of Hotshot: the books are better. Can anyone explain to me why Jason likes Crystal so much? She's not that interesting (besides the whole werepanther thing) and she's nothing but annoying trouble. I know Jason is dumb, but I didn't think he was a masochist.

Oh, good gravy. Hoyt's very important storyline in this jam-packed SEASON finale? A vampire intervention. Really? This feels like a mid-season story beat, at best. Doing it at his job site is mighty embarrassing, Mrs. Fortenberry. Instead of leaving Jessica, he gets his own place and asks her to marry him. Intervention officially failed.

Lafayette's walking dreams are getting a bit more intense and it is taking a toll, with him freaking out pretty much 24/7. He calls Jesus for help, and Jesus reveals that he's a witch and used to go through some of the same things Lafayette is now. My question: why did this last V trip suddenly lead Lafayette into the land of magic? Hasn't he done V before?


Random thoughts:
  • Russell and Eric sure did take a lot longer to burn than poor Godric. He went up like a six-month-old Christmas tree!
  • So...what's up with the creepy doll in Hoyt's new house? Is it Mattel's new Killer Voodoo Ken Doll or something?
  • Did Alan Ball say he's adding MORE characters in his post-show message? I don't think what this show needs is more people and stories to juggle.

Favorite quotes:
  • "Just shut the f*** up and die, please." - Russell, to Eric
  • "You want me to go outside and bring the guy who wants to kill us all inside? Really?" - Sookie
  • "When am I not in trouble?" - Sookie
  • "When you two are finished eye-f***ing each other, can we go?" - Eric, to Bill and Alcide

This is my last "True Blood" recap ever for Zap2it, so I just wanted to say that it's been a fun ride. If you want to keep up with my television ramblings, you can follow me on Twitter at TVandDinners. Thanks for reading!

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Photo credit: HBO