TV Fashion: Simon Cowell of 'American Idol' (FOX)

Under most circumstances, we try and discuss the positive aspects of a television personality's style - Candice Bergen's elegance, Tony Shalhoub's monochromatic love of brown. But sometimes a character comes along who, while memorable and talented, gives us the dry heaves - sartorially speaking, of course.

Simon Cowell, consider this an intervention.

Let's all close our eyes for a minute and imagine Mr. Cowell standing in his "American Idol" dressing room wearing little more than boxer shorts and black socks - hey, I warned you about the dry heaves. Now imagine he is debating what to wear while gazing into his vast wardrobe - yep, row after row of tight black T-shirts and jeans. It seems those are his only choices, poor fellow. The one variation we've seen over the years is whether he goes with a V-neck or crew neck. But rest assured, that shirt will always be one size too small.

Use any cliche you want - "five pounds of bologna in a three-pound sack," "a sausage casing one sizzle from bursting," "dude, that ain't right," etc. - drapey fabrics should, in fact, drape. At no time should we - meaning people with sight - be forced into debating a man's mammilla. Especially a man with a penchant for pasta.

We'd love to be able to place blame on someone other than Cowell, since he is the only judge we ever agree with, but "AI" fashion stylist Miles Siggins, who has worked magic on everyone from Clay Aiken to Carrie Underwood, has nothing to do with Cowell's clothing. Siggins works on making the 12 finalists - and host Ryan Seacrest - fashionable and leaves the judges to their own devices. And because of that, Cowell is single-handedly erasing the concept of the British dandy.

He probably can't help it. He's workmanlike. It's as if he was pulled out of his cluttered office at 10:45 a.m. to sign for a package rather than going on-air for the nation's hottest prime-time television show. Einstein, it seems, was the same way: He had a wardrobe full of identical sets of clothes to free his brain from the inane task of deciding what to wear. Not that we're saying Cowell is a genius, but when you sit next to Paula Abdul on a regular basis, it's an easy mistake for us to make.

Ultimately, the Cowell manner of dress comes from the same line of thinking subscribed to by every girl we've ever dated: "If you can't do something good, do it quick." He's there for one purpose and one purpose only - to tell semi-talented singers that they're too chunky to be celebrities. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what you might call fashion irony.