'Bratz' a Black Hole of Valuez
And I thought "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry" was hypocritical. That film simultaneously exploits and decries homophobia; this one, which shares a title with the animated Fox television series, talks about "keeping it real" and appreciating what's inside. But the film doesn't give a flying scarf about what's inside. It's about clothes, and how to walk in slow-mo looking like a slow-mo ho. Every time the script stops dead for another retail montage, you find yourself hoping for a "Transformers" Decepticon to show up and settle somebody's hash.
The bratz are Yasmin, Cloe, Sasha and Jade, and they're played by Nathalia Ramos, Skyler Shaye, Logan Browning and Janel Parrish, respectively. Chelsea Staub snarls and snipes away as the meanest, most powerful force in Carry Nation High School, which is an incubator for Southern California's most annoying catchphrases circa 1997. Jon Voight, in a twitty little mustache, portrays Principal Dimly, and every time director Sean McNamara ("She's So Raven") cuts to a dancing, mugging Voight during the climactic talent show, the actor--a good actor; remember?--looks as dazed as he did after being horked up by the snake in "Anaconda."
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