Movie Review

'Bratz' a Black Hole of Valuez

Zap2It.com | August 3, 2007

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Skyler Shaye, Janel Parrish and Logan Browning in 'Bratz'
Skyler Shaye, Janel Parrish and Logan Browning in 'Bratz'
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The most horrifying film of 2007, "Bratz" is based on the popular line of collagen-lipped, doe-eyed slut-ette dolls and their male companions, "the boys with a passion for fashion ... and the Bratz!" (In other words, they're bi-curious.) These four young ladiez really know how to shop. Their fashion sense is "super-cute!" and do they have "bratitude"? And how! They are ready to own their first year of high school (representative dialogue: "Work that IQ, girl, but please don't lose your passion for fashion") and they are not going to let some evil poop of a "Legally Blonde" wannabe rule their lives.

And I thought "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry" was hypocritical. That film simultaneously exploits and decries homophobia; this one, which shares a title with the animated Fox television series, talks about "keeping it real" and appreciating what's inside. But the film doesn't give a flying scarf about what's inside. It's about clothes, and how to walk in slow-mo looking like a slow-mo ho. Every time the script stops dead for another retail montage, you find yourself hoping for a "Transformers" Decepticon to show up and settle somebody's hash.

The bratz are Yasmin, Cloe, Sasha and Jade, and they're played by Nathalia Ramos, Skyler Shaye, Logan Browning and Janel Parrish, respectively. Chelsea Staub snarls and snipes away as the meanest, most powerful force in Carry Nation High School, which is an incubator for Southern California's most annoying catchphrases circa 1997. Jon Voight, in a twitty little mustache, portrays Principal Dimly, and every time director Sean McNamara ("She's So Raven") cuts to a dancing, mugging Voight during the climactic talent show, the actor--a good actor; remember?--looks as dazed as he did after being horked up by the snake in "Anaconda."

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