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Matt Iseman, 'Clean House'
"My resolution is to stop waiting for my hover car. And a fully aware robotic servant. And a jetpack. And everything awesome that the movies and science fiction of my youth promised would be here by now.
"I also resolve to give up my dream of being a professional athlete (unless playing video games is considered a sport). But I will never give up my dream of playing for the Dillon Panthers.
"And I also resolve to try to make as many people laugh in 2011 as is humanly possible. So, if people could start drinking now, that'd help me out."