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"Nobody thinks, oh my God, if I could only be Rosie O'Donnell, an overweight lesbian who yells too much." -- Rosie, on why she's relatable
"If you notice, I've had a pedicure." -- On preparing to see Oprah Winfrey
"Look at her. She's blotchy, she's panicking. I could be Mariah [Carey] up here, and that would be harder." -- On the publicist monitoring the session
"I want to thank you all for not asking anything about Donald Trump or Barbara Walters. Those were the two things that Cindy was having diarrhea about." -- Again, on the publicist.