TV Party: 'Cops'

By Michael Korb, Zap2it, Zap2It.com | May 20, 2007

'Cops'

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Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Well, if you're wearing a wife beater, have your jeans belted at mid-thigh and have just tossed a dime bag from a moving vehicle, chances are you're going to appear on Fox's perennial hit show "Cops", airing Saturdays. And few things make us want to throw a party more than watching other people run from the law. So round up the usual suspects and invite them to your place to watch some of this country's least stylish scofflaws try to explain their way out of trouble.

Setting the scene: Invitations should be in the form of either traffic tickets or summonses. Flashing red lights out front will let partygoers know exactly where to find trouble. Once inside all guests are fingerprinted and get their mug shots taken before being required to take the "perp walk" and get photographed in handcuffs and "county jail" jumpsuits. (Don't forget the always classic "cover your head with your jacket" look.) Decorate the house in early "Barney Miller" - ugly metal desks and chairs, a water cooler, coffee pot, "most wanted" posters, a pay phone and a fake jail cell. Every time an officer on the show says, "Why were you running?" everyone does a shot.

Attire: Men and women in blue - everyone else in their underwear. Why is it none of these people are ever fully dressed? It's a mystery. But if you prefer to be on the side of right, order police and security badges, shirts, belts, cuffs and pepper spray holders! Remember, it's not a party until the pepper spray needs to be used.

On the menu: Few things make us hungrier than watching officers respond to domestic disturbances in mobile home parks, so be sure to have the buffet stacked to the ceiling with pyramids of pigs in a blanket and doughnuts. To quench everyone's thirst we suggest coffee and cocaine ladies.

On the hi-fi: Anything by the Police; Inner Circle, who sing the show's infamous theme, "Bad Boys"; "I Fought the Law" by the Clash; Eric Clapton's "I Shot the Sheriff"; "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis Presley.

The showstopper: Want to make everyone on the highway panic and slow to a crawl? Head to eBay and buy a used police cruiser. At this writing you could buy a lovely 1999 Ford Crown Victoria P71 Police Interceptor with 67,000 miles for just $3,200. Shotgun and taser not included.