Jerry Springer makes us crazy. Whenever we are around him we want to throw chairs and check the paternity of other people's children. And to those of us who grew up in rural America, that sounds like a quality party. So call the neighbor who sings in the shower, the kid up the block who can burp the alphabet and that lady outside the grocery store who twirls batons on Bastille Day, because "America's Got Talent" and we want proof!

Setting the scene: This is a talent show, nothing more. But talent shows require certain things to give them the gravitas they so rightly deserve, namely a stage with awkward lighting, a microphone connected to a karaoke machine, a glittering curtain and people willing to make fools of themselves. So invitations should solicit all singers, dancers, contortionists, comedians, plate spinners, musicians, magicians and acrobats in the tri-county area (assuming you live in a tri-county area). Have guests describe their talents on the RSVP cards, then make a list of all talents along with score cards that all guests can fill out. Everyone is a judge. Remember, it's not easy to compare someone singing "Pagliacci" with someone using his bellybutton as a percussion instrument, so just tell everyone to do the best they can. People with the top three scores perform one last time with the winner receiving a $25 gift certificate.

Attire: Come as you are. Meaning if you are doing rope tricks, come dressed in Western wear. If you are competing as a barbershop quartet, come dressed as one-fourth of three other guys.

On the menu: Performers are notoriously picky eaters. We once heard of an actress who would eat nothing but Alpo before taking her mark. Of course, it was Lassie, but still, doesn't that seem ridiculous? So we recommend a variety of snacks and appetizers such as chips, dips, crackers and cheese, potato skins, mozzarella sticks, and chicken wings. For beverages, soda and tea are nice options, and wine will help calm frazzled nerves.

On the hi-fi: Let's hope that there are enough people singing in this competition that a soundtrack would be superfluous. But if not, we recommend a little something by the kids from "Fame".

The showstopper: Give the winner a trip to watch a taping of "America's Got Talent" by following this link: www.ocatv.com/shows/show/142.