People love lobster like hookers love conventions. But here's a little-known fact: Lobsters aren't born and raised in those aquariums in the grocery store. Apparently, if we are to believe Discovery's "Lobstermen: Jeopardy at Sea," game show host Alex Trebek has something to do with their procreation. Oh, wait, that's incorrect. I guess we should have phrased that in the form of a question. Nevertheless, if you love boiling clawed creatures from the sea until they turn bright red, grab your friends and some melted butter and party around a show that's like "Deadliest Catch" but totally different.

Setting the scene: Ever wonder what it might be like to live in Maine? (This really only applies to non-Maine residents.) Well, first and foremost, you'll need some lobster traps scattered all over the living room and front porch. You'll also need to say things like "That's mighty peculya" or "Geet urself awee from my chum pot" before whacking someone with a fishing rod. Hang some fishing nets over the buffet area, and get your hands on some serious pelican decor. A picture of President George H.W. Bush with Babs outside their Kennebunkport home is also a nice touch.

Attire: Bibs, life preservers, rubber raincoats and boots, and someone needs to wear "the suit." Rubber bands around your fingers, just to see what it's like.

On the menu: The star of our show with a little wedge of lemon and some nice melted butter. Offer lobster bisque, lobster salad, lobster Newburg, lobster rolls and lobster thermidor. And don't forget the lobster ice cream; it's like having one of the Little Mermaid's friends in a cone.

On the hi-fi: "Rock Lobster" by the B-52s feels too traditional, so do yourself a favor and order Lenny Lobster's 2006 release, "Even Higha." Nothing says crustacean like German hip-hop. We especially like "Endlich Wieder Sommer." Makes you feel like you're at the ocean.

The showstopper: We have yet to throw a party on the water, so here is your chance to party like a merchant seaman: Go buy a real lobster boat and head out to the high seas. In almost no time at www.midcoastyacht.com, we found boats in Maine, ready to go, ranging from $37,000 to $300,000. Federal lobster license not included.